


Congradulations, Garreg Mach Alumni

by GhirahimJohnson



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Barebacking, Because it’s Sylvain, Choking, Clothed Sex, Condoms, Creampie, Dimitri likes hearing his name, Everyone here is over eighteen, Except Lysithea but she's not going to be doing anything naughty because SHES BABY, F/M, FUCK, Face-Sitting, Ferdinand is a virgin, Light Sylvain Angst, M/M, Marijuana, Mentions of a lot of shit, Minecraft, Nonbinary My Unit | Byleth, Oral Sex, Other, Pegging, Shower Sex, Spanking, This will only get more chaotic and self-indulgent as we go further folks, Vaginal Sex, Yes there's a groupchat too, mentions of threesomes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-01-29 22:27:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21417676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhirahimJohnson/pseuds/GhirahimJohnson
Summary: Claude, Hilda, and Marianne throw a party for the graduating class at their townhouse.Horny shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Annette Fantine Dominic/Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert, Claude has a huge body count, Claude von Riegan/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Dedue Molinaro, Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, Linhardt von Hevring/Caspar von Bergliez (non-explicit), Sylvain Jose Gautier/Claude von Riegan, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 63
Kudos: 229





	1. [The song Party Time, in the style of "Titanic The Legend Goes On" by Camillo Teti]

**Author's Note:**

> I write whatever I want this one's dedicated to me and myself. this is in no way well-written. 
> 
> Chapter summary: Mercie baked some perfectly family-friendly brownies.  
An innocent game of Never Have I Ever occurs.

A soft rap on the front door of Claude’s, Hilda’s, and Marianne’s little townhouse. 

Hilda barely looks up from helping… Well, rather, watching Marianne mix various bottles of alcohol in a bowl, pouring a variety of fruit juices into it to dull the taste. 

“Claude, can you get it?” she calls, sipping from Marianne’s ladle to taste-test the jungle juice. “Hmm, put a little more of the pink lemonade in, Marianne.”

“You’re the boss,” Claude murmurs, smirking to himself. Even as a host of a party, Hilda would never lift a finger unless her life depended on it. Claude must have known her too long for a trait like that to be endearing. 

He opens up the front door, greeted with the lovely sight of Mercedes, smiling and holding a glass pan with tinfoil wrapped over the top. She’s even wearing a cowl-neck sweater. Mom...

A roguish grin stretches across Claude’s face. “Hello there, _ fellow college student_.” He steps aside and gestures grandly into the house. “My home is yours.” 

Mercedes laughs lightheartedly, stepping inside after Claude. “Oh, you must be so excited! I’m so happy for you!” she congratulates him.

Just as Claude begins to let the door swing closed, Annette comes rushing through the yard, calling, “Wait! Wait for me!” 

Snickering, Claude stretches his leg to catch the door with his foot, letting Annette barrel inside with her own glass pan. 

“Careful, Annie,” Mercedes teases, gracefully taking Annette’s pan alongside her own. Annette huffs indignantly, but she quickly melts into a giggle. As Mercedes disappears into the kitchen, sound bubbles up as she greets Marianne and Hilda. Claude allows the front door to close, and feels Annette tapping on his shoulder. 

She holds out her palm.

“Of course, of course, sweet Annette.” Claude reaches into his back pocket, retrieves his wallet, and then pulls out a thick wad of cash. He places it in her hand and closes her fingers around it, kissing her knuckles reverently. “You’re going to need all of this to care for yourself, now that you’re in charge of Garreg Mach, you big Senior you.”

Annette snorts a bit as she laughs, slugging Claude on the shoulder (very lightly). “Oh, hush! This party’s about all of you guys who are graduating!”

Lysithea emerges from the hallway, arms crossed. Hilda did her makeup, and styled her hair in a high ponytail - obviously, she looks adorable. 

“Hey, are we beating Claude up? Can I join?” she scampers over to the two other students and punches Claude’s arm much harder than Annette did. He hisses in pain and flinches. 

“Ow! Jeez…! Didn’t you hear what Annette said? We should be _ celebrating _ me tonight - in addition to all the other graduates in my class, of course.” 

Lysithea beams with pride. “Whatever!” She opens her mouth, looking like she’ll continue sassing Claude, but she pauses when she sees Annette flipping through the bills in her hands. “Where’d you get all that money from, Annette?”

“For Mercie! She made brownies!” Annette replies cheerfully, and folds the cash before stashing it in her back pocket. 

Raising an eyebrow, Lysithea crosses her arms. “Why would Mercedes need all that money for making brownies?”

Claude and Annette exchange a smile. 

Claude reaches over to pat Lysithea’s head, puffing out his bottom lip. “We’ll tell you when you’re older, little Lysithea…”

“You idiot! I’ll break your shins, old man!” Lysithea shouts, pounding Claude’s arm with her balled-up fists as the front door opens again.

Lorenz and Ferdinand arrive together, with bottles of Bacardi in some black plastic bags. 

The rest of the party arrives in droves with a bit of time, all smiles and laughs and “congrads.” Linhardt took Caspar and Ashe, Leonie brought Raph and Ignatz, Dedue literally carpooled the remainder of the Blue Lion House, Hubert drove Edelgard, and Dorothea drove the other Black Eagles - They’d just all have to find their own rides home, since Dorothea planned to get sloshed. 

With Dorothea’s spotify party playlist (appropriately titled ‘getting litty titty’) coming on, Hilda presenting the jungle juice, and Mercedes bringing out some warm brownies on a plate,_ true _shenanigans could ensue. 

Hilda clasps her hands together. “Everyone, we’re going to play ‘Never Have I Ever!’ Pour yourselves a cup and get on the floor, bitches!” 

Ashe approaches Claude as he’s pouring some punch for Hilda to pass around. 

“Claude! Congrads!” he exclaims, smiling his bright little Ashe smile. 

Claude grins, pulling him in for a hug and then handing him a red solo cup. “Hey, big man! Happy to see you, are you ready to play?”

Ashe nods. “Of course I am! I also wanted to ask, though… What’s gonna happen now that you’re moving away… And can’t host the Garreg Mach server anymore?”

Claude scoffs, crossing his arms in false indignance. “Ashe! You only love me for minecraft, is that it? I thought we were something special!” When Ashe starts to blush and sputter, he smirks and pats his shoulder. “Hey I’m kidding, I’m kidding! I’m gonna make a new server when I move to uni.” He shrugs. “Well, unless you’d rather sneak into Seteth’s office, find the router, make a file in that IP address under the provider-”

Ashe laughs, waving his hand to stop Claude. “Alright, I can wait for a new server.” He smiles warmly and a small flush spreads across his freckled face. “I just asked because that server is a really good way to keep everyone connected and having fun together…”

Suddenly, Caspar makes himself known behind Ashe. 

“Yeah, by griefing on my fuckin’ base?” he shouts, already halfway into his drink. “After I _ helped _ you build _ yours_?”

“Caspar, you built a giant Linhardt in my pasture, which destroyed my fence, and then all my sheep escaped!”

“That was _ so long ago _ ! And Lin _ loved it_!” Caspar and Ashe turn to look at the guy who drove their dumb asses there. 

Linhardt shakes his head, smiling affectionately. “You both are so, so stupid.”

It’s very difficult to get a group of twenty-four to fit on the floor of Claude, Hilda, and Marianne’s living room, but it’s possible nonetheless. The rules for this ‘Never Have I Ever’ are simple enough - If you’ve done it, you take a drink. If you refuse to say, you finish your entire drink and start a new one as a penalty. 

Claude, being the slut for knowledge that he is, adores this game. But that’s neither here nor there. The questions start out simply enough - Finding out which of the gang hasn’t tried weed yet (Dimitri, Dedue, Edelgard, Hubert, Ferdinand, Lysithea… And Annette, who immediately was offered a hit of Sylvain’s dab pen and bravely accepted), who’s shoplifted (Ashe, Dorothea, and Mercedes, but only ever by accident!), who’s been arrested(Caspar, Leonie, Linhardt, Caspar and Linhardt together...)... All the typical stuff. 

By the time the spicier questions rolled around, Felix and Dimitri were getting a little more drunk than anyone else because they continuously refused to answer. Caspar was getting overly drunk as well, but only because he was playing the game wrong and drank on every prompt. 

As revenge for his excessive drunkenness, being the lightweight that he is, Felix decided to use his turn to get just about everyone he could to drink.

“Never have I ever,” Felix began, narrowing his dilated eyes and gazing unsteadily around the circle, “Fucked Claude.”

Claude sighs, reaching dramatically toward Felix. “It’s truly a crime, you quintessential twink…” Felix swats his hand away. 

A chorus of groans and laughter bubble up as a huge chunk of the room begrudgingly drink. Hilda, Marianne, Sylvain, Dorothea, Linhardt… Dimitri? Dedue…?! Wow. Lorenz finished his drink to avoid answering, but that in itself was the answer. 

Bernadetta makes a gurgling noise from beside Edelgard, who is stares with her eyebrows up to her pale hairline at _ Hubert_, who is drinking (water). 

“Excuse me…!? _ Excuse me_?!” Caspar demands, jaw agape. 

The whole party’s eyes were flitting between smug Claude and unbothered Hubert.

Edelgard lets out a jerky laugh, clutching her drink and nudging Hubert’s knee with her own. “Hubert… I thought you were joking about that…!” 

Hubert blinks at her. “I was not.” 

Caspar thrusts his hands out, a little too quickly, and Raphael steadies him with his big meaty arm. “Hold on, wait, _ wait _ wait! Hubert _ FUCKED_?!”

Claude tilts his head and winks. “I wanted to know what kind of weird kinks he had, and he agreed to show me.” 

A wheezing breath fizzes out of Caspar. “It couldn’t have been that simple!”

Dorothea giggles, swirling her cup. “It really is, though, Cassie. I’ve done it!”

Hilda squeals, reaching over and jostling her shoulder. “Thea! What?! Oh my Goddess!”

Sylvain immediately pipes up from beside Felix, who’s looking like he immensely regrets his own prompt. “Never have I ever fucked Hubert?” Sylvain laughs, his voice squeaking up with hesitation. Does he really want to know the answers to all this? 

Claude, Dorothea, and _ Linhardt _ all drink. 

“Linny!” Dorothea gasps. “You never told me that!” 

Linhardt raises his eyebrow. “Why would I have to?”

Edelgard stares at Hubert again. “When did _ that _one happen?”

Hubert taps his chin thoughtfully with a gloved finger. Fuckin’ weirdo, wearing gloves inside the house. “Hm. I had fallen unconscious at my desk after overworking, and Linhardt nursed me. But it was… quite a time ago.”

“Does nursing someone back to health require… Doing _ that_?” Annette asks, laughing nervously. 

Linhardt sighs and shakes his head. “Not quite.”

“What, did Hubert break his dick from fainting at his desk and you had to suck it back to life…?” Hilda wonders, glancing at Hubert and looking away when he narrowed his eyes at her. 

Hubert sighs, crossing his arms. “I am... a man,” he murmurs, carefully. “I am not _ immune _ to a soft touch and a pretty face.”

Caspar smiles at Linhardt. “Wow, you seduced a vampire. That’s so fuckin’ raw.”

Leonie grins. “Of course he did, Caspar! Look at him! He’s so cute! He’s baby!”

Caspar cups Linhardt’s face and squishes it. “He’s BABY!”

The next reveal was a little less intense - “Never have I ever had a three-way.” Claude, Hilda, Dorothea, Sylvain, (The slut squad, we know them well) Dimitri and Dedue (That was how Claude happened to them), Marianne… _ Marianne?_!

“Who in the world did you agree to do such a thing with, Marianne?” Lorenz asked, looking scandalized. 

Claude and Hilda clear their throats and snicker. “Take a wild fuckin’ guess,” Hilda says, looking awfully proud. 

One more person, perhaps even more surprising, drank at the prompt. It was _ Ignatz._

“Ignatz?!” Raphael bellowed, grabbing his small shoulders in his giant and huge and big and large hands. 

“What the hell?! Why are all of you so horny?” Leonie mutters, shaking her head. 

“Who was it with? Are they here?” Claude prods, leaning into the circle toward Ignatz. 

Ignatz clears his throat and finishes his drink, and then begins silently pouring another one. 

“Noooo, come on Iggy, you can’t do that!” Hilda whines. 

Lysithea raises her brow and scans the circle. “Well, obviously they’re in here, because he didn’t say no!”

“It was me and Dorothea that were being with him!” Petra exclaims without shame or hesitation, to which Ignatz nearly chokes on his drink and starts sputtering. Raph slaps his back to try and help him, but it only makes it kinda worse. 

Dorothea giggles. “It was sort of my fault, really. I wanted to watch Ignatz paint a pretty portrait of Petra~” 

“Y-yeah, nude…!” Ignatz murmurs, face more red than his solo cup. 

“The situation escalated from there!” Petra says with a nod.

Sylvain pretends to wipe a tear from his eye and clutches his heart in reverence. “Ignatz… You’re a fuckin’ hero…” 

Poor Ignatz sure didn’t feel very heroic. 

But Ignatz felt a little better when Hilda took the heat off of him by declaring, “Never have_ I _ ever had a choking kink.”

Claude rolls his eyes, muttering, “Wow, rude,” into his drink as he sips on it. He smirks and glances over, nodding at Hubert as he drinks along with him. But Claude swallows a little too much and coughs when he notices _ Edelgard _ take a big swig from her cup. 

“Wait, really?! Really?!” Hilda demands, echoing Claude’s thoughts. 

Edelgard clears her throat and smooths out her tights. “Yes, but I’m very picky. I need to be the one doing the choking.”

Dimitri murmurs into Dedue’s ear, “I suppose that’s not unexpected at all…”

Claude bites his lip, feeling a chill roll down his spine. Oh, to be under Edelgard’s crushing hands… 

“Pft, I think Claude’s sweating,” Lysithea teases, and then cackles when Claude hides his face in Hilda’s chest. 

When Claude peeks over Hilda’s (amazing) tits, he thinks he sees Edelgard smiling. 


	2. wAELcome to MY kyetCHAIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dimitri pops his cherry with the devil's lettuce. Linhardt is asleep, so Caspar is fiending! Quick, someone stop him, by banging Claude on the kitchen counter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> claudevain. sometimes, we must feed ourselves. we must be the change we wish to see.  
sylvain and dedue are Largemen von Enormous  
also dont mind me furthering my Ferdinand and Dorothea are Loud Theatre Kids agenda

<strike>Sylvain bigged largely at the party</strike>.  As per usual with a party hosted by Hilda and Claude, everybody was having a pretty lit time. It only got better when Dorothea started hooking up her karaoke machine, letting everybody slur their favorite songs. After playing that drinking game, practically everyone was at least a little sloppy. 

As for Felix, he seemed just a tad sloppier than others. Sylvain smiles to himself as he heads into the kitchen. Poor, sweet, except-really-not-sweet-at-all Felix, the little lightweight. He shakes his head, opening up the fridge to grab their Brita pitcher. He starts filling up his water bottle, whistling along to Ferdie and Dorothea’s rendition of ‘Sixteen Going On Seventeen’ from the living room like the theatre dorks they are. 

While Sylvain’s refilling the pitcher like the polite and considerate guest he is, Caspar stumbles into the kitchen and taps on his shoulder. Well, more like open-palm slaps it. 

“Sylvain! Gimme a hit? Please? And I’ll be y’r best friend?”

Sylvain sighs and shakes his head, crossing his arms. “Cas, you’ve already had like three tonight! Don’t fiend!”

Caspar crosses his arms right back. “If y’r cart runs out, I’ll pay you f’r ‘nother one!”

“I left my charger at home though, and I don’t want my pen to die…! Just eat one of Mercedes’ brownies! They’re super good.”

Caspar groans. “But it’s not fast ‘nough, ‘n Linhardt’s asleep, so I d’nno where ‘e put his pen!”

Sylvain puffs his lips out in an exasperated pout. “Fiending off your boyfriend isn’t any better, Cas!”

The conversation was going nowhere, and Sylvain certainly didn’t want Caspar hounding him while he tried to check up on Felix. 

“What ‘f I duel you? If I win, I get ooone more hit, j’st one?” Calling Caspar’s deal a “plea” is a bit of an oxymoron with Caspar cracking his knuckles and rolling up his sleeves. 

Sylvain contemplates literally running away until he spots Claude entering the kitchen and shooting for the sink, with a presumably empty cup in his hand. Sylvain snatches his opportunity by snatching Claude with a long arm around his waist. 

“Hey there, baby,” Sylvain flirts, flashing Claude one of his sexy, crooked grins to show off his dimples. 

Claude smiles easily, chuckling when Sylvain pulls him away from the sink, and closer to his body. “Oh, so we’re doin’ this now, huh?” 

“You know it was bound to happen some time tonight,” Sylvain purrs, and when he sees Claude tilting his head up, he leans down to meet him halfway. 

Caspar doesn’t seem to react to seeing Sylvain kissing Claude, but why would he? There’s also the chance that he may just be so drunk he can’t fuckin’ see. 

Sylvain keeps his lips locked on Claude’s as he bends his knees a bit and then lifts Claude onto the countertop. Claude’s fingertips start to wander into the brim of his shirt, and Sylvain shudders with delight that Claude is playing this game with him. Sylvain pulls away from the kiss to turn and wink at Caspar. “Alright, Cas, Daddy needs privacy.”

“Y’re not my dad! Stupid, ugly-ass noodlehead!” Caspar retorts like a reflex, but there’s no malice in his voice, only meme. He seems to accept his defeat as he stumbles for the fridge. “Guess’ll take a snack for th’ road… Can’t b’lieve I’m sexiled from Claude’s whole kitch’n by  _ Sylvain’s  _ not-livin’-here ass!”

Sylvain can’t hold back a loud laugh. He shivers again and moves his hands shamelessly to feel Claude’s thighs as Claude kisses up his neck. “I’m sorry, Cas! I love you!”

Caspar is already stumbling right back out with a beer in his fist, despite having said he wanted a snack. Oh well. “I’l’ve y’ too, bro!” he slurs, and continues muttering to himself as he leaves. “I sure hope I don’t yak or som’n, my stom’ch is feelin’ some typa way…”

“What a legend,” Sylvain sighs, shaking his head. He smiles his million-dollar smile at Claude again. “Thanks for saving me.”

Claude smirks, tugging on Sylvain’s shirt. “Oh, I’ll be heartbroken if I was only a distraction, you know. You’re just gonna abandon me now?”

Sylvain laughs, letting Claude drag him closer still. He’s still taller than Claude, even with Claude on the counter. He reaches a hand up and places it at the small of Claude’s back. “Oh, never. I only have eyes for you, baby.”

It’s Claude’s turn to laugh now. “That’s rich from you, you lovelorn sap.”

Sylvain’s thoughts drift toward lovely, dark hair and warm, brown eyes. 

“Rude!”

“Only always.”

Sylvain kisses Claude again, open-mouthed this time, falling into an easy rhythm with him. For anyone who ever wants a good time, or wants to try anything new, Claude is their man. In all seriousness, he’s been grateful to Claude for encouraging him to feel more comfortable with his sexuality. He never put pressure on Sylvain to label or out himself without feeling ready, and was an ever-positive, educational partner. Despite the copious amounts of casual sex he’s had with Claude in the past two years, Sylvain still wasn’t quite ready to tell anyone (besides Mercedes the indisputable mom and Claude the inarguably best keeper of secrets) that he was unmistakably gay. Bisexual was as far as he’d allowed himself to say, and even then, never at home.

Ah, but why lament, when he could fuck Claude on this countertop instead? 

Pulling away, seeing Claude’s lips flushed from kissing, and his green eyes glassy with lust, shaded by his lashes…Good Goddess. Sylvain reaches into the pocket of his pants and retrieves a condom, holding it between his teeth as he works to unzip Claude’s tight jeans. 

“Impatient, huh?” Claude teases, leaning in close to graze his teeth over Sylvain’s skin, feeling it quiver under the heat of his breath. Claude reaches down to palm Sylvain through his pants, and nearly purrs as he watches Sylvain shudder with need for his touch. 

Sylvain tugs his own pants down just enough to free his cock, and tears the condom wrapper open with his teeth. He grins when Claude’s hands return to him, stroking the length of his shaft. Sylvain leans closer. “I know how you operate,” he murmurs into Claude’s hair. “You plan ahead for these parties…” Sylvain hisses through his teeth and pushes his hips forward when he feels Claude’s arousal against his own, and those deft hands stroking the both of them together. He can feel Claude smiling and laughing softly against his collarbone, and Sylvain kneads his fingers into Claude’s bare hips, thrusting against him as his heart kicks into speed with anticipation. 

“I like staying one step ahead,” Claude mutters, kissing lazily across Sylvain’s collarbones until he can sink his teeth gently against the crook of his neck. Sylvain sighs into Claude’s feathery hair.

“Hey, let’s put your mouth to better use, huh?” he murmurs, deep in his chest, sliding one of his hands up from Claude’s hips, dragging it up his chest, running his fingers over his toned muscles until they meet his neck. Claude’s throat tenses under his hand, and he feels his shivering moan vibrate against his fingertips. Sylvain groans in satisfaction when Claude pumps the both of them faster. He kisses Claude again, tasting the sweet punch on him, licking eagerly at his tongue and the roof of his mouth, nipping his bottom lip lightly as he pulls away with a gasp.

“Good boy,” Sylvain coos, lifting his other hand and pressing two fingers down against Claude’s tongue. Claude takes the hint and sucks, shuddering as Sylvain squeezes just under his jaws with the pads of his fingers. 

“Gghn…! Syl… Hhahn…!” Claude moans sloppily around Sylvain’s digits, leaning back against the wall as Sylvain pushes his knees apart. 

Sylvain was right, it turned out. It was very easy to finger him open while Claude helped him into his condom. Sylvain teases Claude’s hole with the head of his cock before he eases slowly inside, and he jolts at the lovely feeling of Claude grasping his shoulders to ground himself. 

Goddess be damned if Claude wasn’t consistently the best fuck Sylvain has had in his life. 

Sylvain keeps one hand on Claude’s neck, one on the small of his back to hold him steady as he fucks into him, Claude’s toned legs squeezing around his waist to pull him in deeper. He breathes heavy against Claude’s ear, peppering kisses on his temple and tugging his earring gently with his teeth. The metal feels cold against his lips, and Claude’s whimper feels hot against his cheek. Sylvain presses his purlicue against Claude’s throat, lifting his head up to gaze into his eyes, green and glassy with lust. He sees Claude smile as the breath is pushed out of him, and he rolls his hips and clenches around Sylvain in such a way that nearly finishes him off right then and there. 

They’d better thank their lucky stars for Dorothea’s karaoke machine, and Ferdinand’s loud belt. 

Sylvain has fucked Claude enough to know his angles. He thrusts quick and hard against Claude’s prostate, drawing out breathless moans and catching them in a kiss. He finally releases Claude’s neck to stroke him along with the movement of his hips. When Claude’s (fantastic) ass tightens around his cock, he jerks his hips forward once more to spill into his condom, letting himself moan unabashedly into Claude’s mouth. 

He lets the high of his climax wash over him, warming his whole body as he gropes for Claude’s waist, holding it in his big hands as he kisses him to ease back down to earth. 

Sylvain leans against the counter, resting his forehead on Claude’s shoulder while Claude cards his fingers through his messy hair. He thinks he hears Claude’s breath hitch a little, and he wonders why. He catches his breath and lets his heart slow before he stands up straight, smiling contentedly. 

Claude’s smile, for some reason, is… unnerved? His head is turned away toward the dining table, off to the side. 

Sylvain follows his gaze, and his own smile disappears. 

Bernadetta is sitting under the table, clutching her knees to her chest and looking more dead in the eyes than usual. 

“Oh… Shit…” Sylvain blinks at her, tongue-tied. “Uhh…” He’d really thought they were alone in the room, and that Ferdinand and Dorothea’s loud theatre kid energy would keep everyone else distracted…! No, that would have been all too convenient.

Bernadetta, with a long, drawn-out wheeze, crawls out from under the table with trembling limbs. 

Both of the idiots watch Bernadetta escape like a wounded animal. 

“We definitely need to buy her a plant,” Claude decides, sliding off of the countertop. He wriggles back into his bottoms. 

Sylvain rubs the back of his neck, ducking his head in shame. “Yep. Definitely.” He laughs uncomfortably and shoves his dick back into his pants and underwear. “Claude, are we the worst, or what?”

Claude only shrugs. “Nah, maybe not great, but we probably aren’t the worst.” He smirks, pushing Sylvain’s water bottle toward him with intent. “By the way, I had actually come in to tell you that there’s a hammock near the center of this complex… You know, in case you wanted to take a certain party pooper out for some fresh air.” 

Sylvain yanks at his hair so hard he thinks he may bald himself. “Fuck! I’d meant to… Whoops…!” He sighs. “Man, Claude, I know we just drunkenly boned on your countertop, but you’re a good friend to me.”

Patting Sylvain’s big shoulder, Claude laughs. “I’ll decide I feel the same when I see you out on the balcony with Felix. Go get ‘im, big cat.”

Tastefully crossfaded is not how Dimitri would describe himself. In fact, he’s so disgustingly crossfaded that all of his limbs feel like warm molasses. He wonders if he’s drooling. Hell, he’s probably  _ been  _ drooling. His cheek is squished up against Dedue’s bicep from where he’s limply reclining on him. He shouldn’t have tried a brownie after playing that damn drinking game, let alone hit Sylvain’s pen afterward. Ugh. 

“Deeedue…” Dimitri drawls, dragging his eyes (oh, they must be RED) up to settle (unsteadily) on Dedue’s face. “Are you having fun…?” 

Dedue’s angelic smile makes Dimitri feel as though he’s floating on a cloud… Well, even moreso than he already does. “I am.”

Dimitri tugs on the short sleeve of Dedue’s v-neck. If he hadn’t been fucked out of his mind, he might have torn it out of carelessness. Perhaps he should consume marijuana whenever Mercedes and Hilda teach him embroidery - it could stop him from breaking the needles constantly. 

“Deeduueeee…” Dimitri tries again, his words dribbling off of his lips with the least amount of grace he’s ever forced Dedue to witness. “You don’t hav’to stay with me... “ He pats his thick forearm. “I ins’st… You go have fun…”

Dedue simply shakes his head. “I don’t mind at all. I like your company.” 

Dimitri purses his lips and furrows his brows, scanning Dedue’s face for any dishonesty. As if he’d even be able to sense it, in his state. “Hmm…” 

Dedue chuckles, and it rumbles so low in his chest that Dimitri can feel it from where he’s leaning. 

“I… May have also tried a brownie. And I don’t feel like moving.”

Dimitri lets out a hearty laugh, slapping Dedue’s knee, and Dedue grunts in pain. Een weakened, Dimitri’s strength is still rather insane. 

“Hey, scoot over…” a soft voice sounds beside them, and Linhardt is crawling onto the sofa. Without even waiting for Dimitri or Dedue to make room, he lays down across the couch. 

Dedue swipes a throw pillow, and lays it over his meaty thigh for Linhardt. Linhardt makes a small noise of gratitude before immediately settling into sleep. Dedue turns back to Dimitri to find that he’s curled up over his lap as well, blinking lazily, but definitely out like a light. Dedue just smiles and rubs both of their heads with his huge nice Dedue hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bernadetta im so sorry that ive done this to you


	3. Holy Saint Bong Caspar is Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alas alas alas our good caspar is dead. (From "Kaspar is Dead" by Hans Arp)  
Sylvain and Claude try their very best. Ashe and Annette are both good noodles. Dimitri is still out to lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> caspar is the barf friend. everyone in garreg mach has seen this man throw up.

Opening the sliding door to the balcony introduces Sylvain to Ashe and Annette, a barfing Caspar, and Hilda squatting beside an old folding chair occupied by a slumped Felix. Ashe and Annette are rubbing Caspar’s back as he spills his guts over the balcony railing. 

“Hello? Earth to Felix? Do you want any water or food?” Hilda calls out to him, attempting to help. She waves her hand near his face. 

Felix grumbles, ever despondent. Hilda rolls her eyes.

Sylvain approaches the group with careful steps, and closes the glass door behind him to dull the noise of the party. Much better… Now the only noises are from crickets… Well, and Caspar. 

“Is he doing okay?” Sylvain asks with a hand on the back of Felix’s chair. 

Hilda huffs. “Maybe? He won’t even look at me…” she complains. 

Sylvain only laughs, smiling at the endearing crown of Felix’s pouty head. “Hey, I’d be much more concerned if he  _ was _ looking anyone in the eyes.” He tugs at Felix’s ponytail. “Right, Fe?”

Felix makes a noise that sounds like a growl, and it sends Sylvain’s heart aflutter. 

Hilda’s looking right at Sylvain now, and her big, bright eyes are narrowed. “You’re a mess.” She stands up to her full height, although the top of her head only reaches up to Sylvain’s chest. “And you smell like Claude. Wow, that was fast, you slut.”

Sylvain snickers. “Guilty as charged.” 

Hilda playfully smacks Sylvain’s chest. “Thanks a lot! Now he’s beating me!” Now that Sylvain is there to nurse Felix, she makes her escape back to the party, calling for Dorothea. 

Wow, Claude complained that Sylvain was using him as a distraction - But only for Sylvain to be used as a point in his contest? Devastating. Sylvain shakes his head and snickers. 

“Sylvain, Felix is doing okay,” Ashe pipes up, smiling. “He’s just being… moody.”

“Oh, good, he’s acting normal,” Sylvain replies with a nod. “And… How’s Cas?” He feels a bit guilty for not checking on him properly when he’d spotted him in the kitchen. 

Annette answers this time, “Eh… He’s been worse before!” She pats Caspar’s back. “But he’s a trooper! We tried to take him to the bathroom, but Bernadetta was in there with Lysithea and Marianne, so we didn’t wanna bother them.”

A sharp twinge of guilt pulls at Sylvain’s gut. He closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. “You two are angels…” he sighs. A soft smile returns to his face when he focuses on Felix again. He crouches down in front of the chair. When Felix glances at him, Sylvain places the water bottle in his lap, and then his hands on both of his knees. 

“Thirsty?” 

Felix exhales through his teeth, begrudgingly accepting Sylvain’s water bottle. He sips it, keeping his eyes in his lap. 

“Look at me?”

There’s a lengthy pause before Felix lets his eyes lock with Sylvain’s. They’re narrowed, his long lashes shading his sharp gaze. Sylvain’s chest tightens, just a little. 

He steadies his breath, though his heartbeat jumps and throbs, as he combs a lock of Felix’s hair away from his face, to tuck it delicately behind his ear. “You sure you’re okay, Felix…?” he murmurs. 

Sylvain doesn’t know when Felix’s face had flushed so red - It’s probably just from all the alcohol. Yeah. Felix caps out at four drinks - And he’s definitely had more. It’s just the alcohol. 

Somehow, Felix’s tone has lost all its bite when he insists, “I’m fine,” before looking away again. 

Oh, stubborn little brat… Sylvain’s heart could sing. 

“You don’t wanna get some fresh air? You really love the ambiance here, of Cas blowing chunks into the night?” Sylvain teases. 

Of course Felix had to cave. 

Sylvain makes sure to give Caspar’s back a gentle pat before grabbing his water and leading Felix back through the party. Felix hadn’t let Sylvain help him stand from his chair, but now, his footsteps are wobbling as his swaying body betrays him. Sylvain manages to catch Felix by the arm before he trips over the coffee table and has the chance to spill every drink imaginable.

Firmly, Sylvain takes Felix by the wrist and places his hand in his own. He holds it tight. “You can be as difficult as you want  _ after _ we get outside,” he chides. He doesn’t wait for Felix to respond, and leads him out of the house. 

Claude sure wasn’t lying - Near the center of the parking lot was a grassy area with a little gazebo and a few trees, two of them hosting a big, white hammock. 

Sylvain only lets go of Felix’s hand when they reach the hammock. He returns the water bottle to Felix and watches him drink. Sylvain really tries not to watch the way Felix’s throat softly bob as he swallows, and the way the night wind stirs his dark hair, or dust his chilly face with a light blush, he really, really tries. 

But Sylvain is weak, he thinks, as he lays on his back in the hammock and opens his arms. 

Felix scoffs. “I’m not gonna snuggle with you.”

“Fe, come on, please?” Sylvain coaxes, trying out a pitiful smile and his signature puppy-dog eyes.

“No. I like standing.” 

Sylvain tests another tactic. “I must be too weak to hold you anyway, huh? I’m so frail, so wimpy.”

“You’ve been hanging out with Hilda too much.” Sylvain thinks he sees the slightest upward tug at the corner of Felix’s mouth. He’s about to continue until he sees a chill rush through Felix and jitter him. 

“Fe, you’re shivering. Are you cold?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Well… I’m cold.”

The trumpets of victory blare through Sylvain’s whore brain when Felix snorts. “Ha. Maybe you really are a wimp.” 

Sylvain adjusts himself, slipping off his denim jacket, lined with warm fur. 

As soon as Felix climbs onto the hammock, Sylvain throws the jacket over Felix, and he wraps his arms tight around his smaller frame to hold him close. He steadies the two of them with his long legs hanging over either side of the hammock, and then he pushes against the ground, rocking them gently. 

“Come on, Felix,” Sylvain murmurs into his hair, never wanting to pull his head away no matter how much the soft strands tickle his face. “You know I love the cold.”

“I do know that,” Felix mutters, and Sylvain cherishes the feeling of his lips moving against his chest. 

Sylvain chuckles. “And you joined me anyway?”

“You were practically begging me. I pitied you.”

Sylvain would be lying if he said the words didn’t sting. But the pain fades immediately when Felix lets out a tiny noise, moving his hands up to tug Sylvain’s jacket over his face, nestling into it. He really worries that his pounding heart might jolt against Felix’s head and disturb him. 

But Sylvain smiles, running his fingers lazily through the loose hairs that didn’t quite reach Felix’s ponytail. 

“What an angel you are,” Sylvain teases, knowing that Felix is already asleep. 

Dedue watches Dimitri, in his daze, petting Linhardt’s silky hair. 

“I di’n’ know Claude had a pet cat…” Dimitri drawls, slow and lazy. 

“That is Linhardt.”

“Oh…” Dimitri slowly turns his head downward to observe the back of Linhardt’s. He looks back up and continues petting him. “That’s the same thing.”

Linhardt suddenly makes a noise for the first time since he’d laid down on the sofa. “My neck hurts…” he whines. 

It seems to awaken something in Dimitri, who immediately begins grabbing at Linhardt. “Ah! Come up here! Come up!” He pulls Linhardt, way too easily, up by the underarms, nestling Linhardt’s pillow on his shoulder and laying him back down. He starts rubbing Linhardt’s neck, and Linhardt lets out a groan of surprise. 

“You smell sooo nice! How do you smell so nice?” Dimitri awes. “Wow! Dedue, smell him!”

“I won’t do that.”

Linhardt lets out another little moan of relief. “Dim… Mitri… Ahhh… Your fingers are incredibly strong…”

Dedue smiles simply at how delighted Dimitri looks. “This is almost as fun as petting your hair!” he exclaims. “It was so soft.”

“I miss the… mmnn… The petting…” Linhardt yawns, nuzzling the throw pillow. 

Dimitri gasps. “Dedue, quick! Quick! Hurry!”

Dedue blinks. “You make it sound like he’ll die.”

“I will, I really will…” Linhardt mumbles.

Dimitri tries to jostle Dedue with his free arm. “Pet his hair! It’s really so soft! It smells so good!”

Linhardt lets out a yelp. “Dimitri…! Gentle, gentle…!”

Dedue starts petting Linhardt’s hair to try and calm Dimitri. “Here, I’m doing it. Please don’t crush his neck.”

Once Dimitri settles down, he continues massaging Linhardt’s neck, humming and murmuring to himself about whether he should keep a cat in his dorm at university. With Dedue’s hand stroking his hair, and Dimitri’s kneading his sore neck, Linhardt drifts right back into a blissful sleep. Dedue watches with amusement as Dimitri quickly follows, his mouth lolling open and his hand lazily drooping over Linhardt’s back. 

Edelgard isn’t averse to fun, like everybody seems to think. Sure, maybe her jokes fall flat sometimes, and Hubert is the only one to laugh before everyone else begins sympathy-laughing… And, well, sometimes she can be a bit of a hard-ass. But she really does like fun! She somewhat envies people like Ignatz, Marianne, Ashe, Annette… When they don’t know how to handle themselves, it’s awkward and cute… But, for Edelgard, perhaps people find her too abrasive to be endearing?

She wonders about it a lot, which is why she’s surprised to see Claude strolling over to where she’s seated on the arm of a loveseat next to Hubert. 

“Hi there, Edelgard.” A wink and a charming smile accompany Claude’s greeting. 

Edelgard smiles politely. “Hello, Claude.” She can feel Hubert’s wary gaze burning through her and directly toward Claude. She stifles a chuckle, and nudges his knee with her foot. 

Claude kneels on the floor, leaning against the armchair and supporting himself with an arm curled  _ carefully _ around Edelgard’s ass and thighs. 

“You’re looking even cuter than usual tonight, you know,” Claude compliments her. He always was one of the bolder ones - Even Sylvain has yet to try flirting with her. 

Edelgard, in a loose, knit pullover and black skirt, with her favorite pair of red tights on under them absolutely does look cute. She eyes Claude, taking note of his button-down, opened up in a very deep V and clearly supposed to be layered - and she swears it had been, at the beginning of the night. But now, his chest was quite visible, not that it was a problem. 

Edelgard scoots more comfortably onto the arm of the chair, letting her thighs brush against Claude’s forearm. “You’re not bad-looking yourself.” 

Claude’s green eyes light up, and it sends a strange satisfaction through Edelgard.

“Edelgard,” Claude says, his voice becoming oddly gravelly, in a tone she’s never heard him use before. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

She can feel Hubert’s aura darken when Claude moves his head closer to her lap, peering up at her over her knees. Claude seems to notice Hubert, and he beckons her closer. Edelgard humors him, folding down to lean closer to his face. 

“Just so you know,” Claude murmurs, husky and provocative, “If you feel like crushing my neck like a stress toy, my door is open.”

Edelgard doesn’t know whether it’s admiration, amusement, or sheer surprise that possesses her to burst out in a loud laugh. He really _was _intrigued after the game? Hmm… It’s not as though Claude’s reputation as an amazing bedfellow had evaded Edelgard. She’d figured his flirting was all for show, just to try and get under her skin. And maybe it was. Or, had been. But now, with Claude blushing at her, gnawing slightly on his lower lip, squeezing his hands slightly around her knees…

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Edelgard whispers, bravely winking back at Claude. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am a firm believer that edelgard is not very funny and Hubert forces the black eagles to laugh at her jokes with the threat of violence
> 
> i love her


	4. Boneless Mutual Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ferdie bes good. Edelgard bes nice. Hubert bes difficult. Dedue bes hotwings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres a meme in this chapter i wonder if you can find it idiot

Having Dorothea and Ferdinand carry the karaoke sessions was always a relief to most of the Garreg Mach students (and now, alumni!) They both had lovely voices to fill the gaps when no one else was brave enough to sing. But Claude was not about to let everyone waste their opportunity to embarrass themselves. He forces Hilda to sing “Focus” with him, since she does look like a little pink Ariana Grande. Unfortunately, neither of them can sing remotely like her. But that’s the best part! 

Ferdinand and Lorenz duetted on “Cut to the Feeling,” although Ferdie’s falsetto was much more suited to hitting Carly Rae’s notes than Lorenz was… The poor bastard, he doesn’t have the range… 

[](https://ibb.co/pXmx9PP)

Ignatz and Raph do an even more awful duet to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap. Goddess it’s abhorrent. But in the very best way. 

Dorothea waves over at the sofa, holding one of the mics. “Does Dimitri want to sing anything? I’d love to hear his voice!”

Dimitri blinks in slow motion. “HHhh.. I can’t singgg.”

Leonie laughs at him. “He can’t even stand up, he’s FUCKED!”

Raph turns his attention to the couch and notices the two dopes sprawled over Dedue. “Oh, Linhardt is sleeping! Should we sing softer?”

Petra shakes her head with a laugh of her own. “Linhardt has been sleep... Asleep through pep rallies. He will be fine.”

Dorothea, Hilda, and Claude all begin begging an angry Lysithea to sing with them instead.

Ferdinand spots Hubert and Edelgard sharing a chair by the far wall. He tries not to notice how well-put-together Hubert looks, in pitch-black, slim-fitting pants, pointy-toed ankle boots, and a black button-down with its sleeves, shockingly, rolled up to his elbows. Hubert, being the strange man he is, is wearing black satin gloves, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s showing more skin than he EVER does. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. 

Ferdinand, despite deciding to rest his lovely voice, wrecks it immediately with a shot of Bacardi. He pours himself more jungle juice, and totally doesn’t spill a bit on the coffee table. He strides over to their shared chair, beaming at them both. 

He flips his wavy hair over his shoulder. “Well? Was I impressive?”

Edelgard smiles. “You always are.”

Ferdinand’s eyes flit to Hubert, who is indeed looking at him, just not smiling. Ferdinand returns his gaze to Edelgard in a futile attempt to still his beating heart. 

“Well, are either of you going to sing anything tonight? It’s so much fun!” he disguises his nerves with enthusiasm.

Edelgard laughs and shakes her head, waving her hand in refusal. “Oh, no, that’s the line I draw. I’m not singing a damned thing.”

Ferdinand whines, puffing out his lower lip for sympathy. “Really? Come now… Not even for Ferdie?”

Hubert surprises him by letting out a chuckle. “Not even for Ferdie.”

Ferdinand’s sunkissed face flushes a lovely red to compliment his bright hair. “I still am not used to you calling me that!” he protests, hiding his face behind the hand that isn’t holding a drink. “It drips from your fangs like a deceptively sweet poison…!”

“What a shame,” Hubert murmurs, and Goddess does Ferdinand hate his deep, sultry voice, “that I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.”

Poor, sweet Ferdie. “A beast, you are…!” he squeaks, and scurries off, probably back to Lorenz. 

Hubert can hear Edelgard laughing behind her hand. 

“What?” Hubert crosses his arms. 

Edelgard only smiles and pats his thigh. “Nothing. I just know you two have been spending a lot of time together lately, and it makes me happy.”

Hubert raises an eyebrow, and then turns away, letting his hair drape over his eyes like a curtain. “And… why would that be…?”

“Well, Hubert, you and Ferdinand got along even worse than he and I did. But now, you two are going on cafe dates together almost every day…”

Hubert’s face turns a deep red, and he whips his head around to Edelgard so fast he nearly throws his neck out. “Edelgard…!”

Edelgard laughs brightly, and Hubert can’t help but feel his indignance melt just a little bit. A _ little _ bit. 

He huffs, unfolding his arms and drumming his fingers on his lap self-consciously. “I… cannot deny that I spend a considerable amount of time with him…”

“And you’re even growing a taste for tea.”

“Perhaps.”

Edelgard gently brushes Hubert’s ridiculous goth bangs out of his face, a gesture that only she has been able to get away with for most, if not all of Hubert’s life. 

“Hubert, as your friend, I’m going to say this to you…” She looks him in the eyes and adds, pointedly, “And I want you to listen.” Hubert blinks at her. “Ferdinand is denser than a brick. He won’t understand that you like him unless you hold him by the face and tell him so.”

Hubert puffs out his cheeks just a little, and then exhales slowly. His lips draw slowly into a smile. “Perhaps that advice is applicable to you and our dear Byleth as well.”

It’s Edelgard’s turn to blush. “Hubert, this is about you right now, not me!”

Hubert laughs, relaxing against the armchair again. “Right, of course. My apologies.”

Edelgard shakes her head, but she’s smiling again. “With that said…” She eyes Hubert and nudges his legs with her foot again. “You should probably go and hang out with Ferdinand for awhile, wouldn’t you say?”

“Nonsense,” Hubert disagrees. “I very much enjoy your company. If Ferdinand wants to see me, he can come back without that purple-headed dandy.”

As Edelgard is pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation, Mercedes’ voice sounds from the kitchen. 

“Can someone make some notes on their phone for me? I’m trying to order some food for everybody!”

Before Hubert can protest it, Edelgard slides off of the armchair and goes to help Mercedes. 

Mercedes weaves her way through the living room with Edelgard, lighting up with a sweet smile when she spots Dedue on the sofa.

“Dedue,” she calls, walking on over and pushing a few empty cups and bottles aside before taking a seat on the coffee table. “Do you want anything to eat? I’m ordering from [PISS PISS POOPOO INSERT ANY PIZZA PLACE].”

Dedue rubs his chin in thought for a moment before answering, “Boneless hotwings. If you could.”

Mercedes nods, and Edelgard types it into her Notes. 

Edelgard nods her head toward the blanket draped over Dedue’s body. “Are you cold?”

Mercedes’ eyebrows turn up with concern. “Oh, I didn’t realize… Should I ask Marianne to adjust the thermostat?”

Dedue shakes his head, taking the corner of the blanket and peeling it aside - Both Dimitri and Linhardt are curled up and canoodling in Dedue’s lap, their heads snuggled up against one of Dedue’s biceps. 

Edelgard smiles fondly, and Mercedes clasps her hands together with a soft, affectionate gasp. “Oh, Dedue, you are a blessing…”

“I feel more akin to a mattress,” Dedue murmurs, but he’s smiling. 

As Mercedes and Edelgard return to the kitchen to start making an order, Claude is opening the sliding door to the balcony.

“Sylvain! Come sing Old Town Road with me, horse man!” Claude calls. He scans the balcony, but the only redhead there is Annette. She’s standing with Ashe and Caspar, who is slumped on the ground, back against the railing. 

Annette smiles at Claude. “He went outside to take care of Felix.”


	5. Literally Nothing. We just Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is just an entire chapter of sylvix. you're welcome you toads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have an agenda and it's called sylvain is felix's affectionate and caring top
> 
> i tried to use vague language here in case anyone wants to hc trans felix bc that seems to be popular and make people happy

Felix pulls his eyes open, feeling his cheek smooshed against Sylvain’s chest. He also feels Sylvain’s fingertips stroking the side of his face. He’s suddenly very thankful that it’s dark outside, so Sylvain might not see how red his face must look. 

“Ugh… Fuck… Did I fall asleep…?” Felix rasps, very groggy. 

“Not for long,” Sylvain replies, and trails his fingers up from Felix’s jaw to his temple, and Felix tightens his fists, clenching the fabric of Sylvain’s shirt. Sylvain starts twirling Felix’s ponytail on his finger. “Still feeling hammered?”

Felix swallows thickly before grumbling, “Not really… Just… Warm…”

“Damn,” Sylvain whispers, and Felix wonders if it was to himself. “I’m still a little drunk, too… I was hoping you wouldn’t remember anything I might say to you with liquid courage…”

Sylvain feels Felix stiffen against his torso. His heart sinks in his chest until Felix tugs at his shirt. 

“Like… what…?” Felix murmurs hesitantly. 

Sylvain opens his mouth, though Felix doesn’t see it, and then closes it again. 

Now, Felix lifts his head up to look at Sylvain in the eyes. If Sylvain wasn’t already feeling chicken before, he sure is now, with Felix’s face so, so dangerously close. He stays silent.

“Hey, you can’t do that!” Felix protests.

Sylvain smirks. “What, leave you wondering, Mister ‘always, always’?”

Pride swells in Sylvain’s heart when Felix turns bright red. “You…!” he puffs, “You remember that, still…?! That was ages ago…!”

“And I’ve been waiting for you to finish ever since,” Sylvain pouts, dramatically throwing his head back against the hammock, draping an arm over his eyes and faking a sob. “Wounded. Wistful. Yearning…”

Felix presses his face into Sylvain’s chest, huffing in frustration. “Shut up…!”

Sylvain’s heart leaps again, and when Felix twitches, he really thinks he must have felt it. Sylvain’s hand stiffens in its place on the back of Felix’s head. “Felix…” he breathes. 

Felix, however, immediately starts pulling away. “Sorry, sorry-”

“No, wait, come back,” Sylvain throws his arms around Felix’s shoulders and pulls him back in, and he doesn’t dare breathe when Felix’s face ends up inches away again. 

Felix, without thinking, whispers, “Keep me like a vow…”

“Okay,” Sylvain says, instantly. 

Felix’s pretty eyes grow wider than Sylvain has ever seen them. Wider than the moon in the sky. So vibrant they put the stars to shame. “No, I…! I, no, I mean…! That’s…! You…!” he sputters. 

“What…?” Sylvain breathes, practically a plea. Something yanks hard at his chest, and he’s not sure what it is. “I what…?”

Sylvain watches Felix’s eyes dart back and forth between his own and literally anything else. “You… always…” Felix closes his eyes, finally giving up on being able to hold Sylvain’s gaze. “You always keep me like a vow…”

All the tension in Sylvan’s body dissipates into the night, and he sinks gently against the hammock. Sylvain feels softer than he thinks he ever has in his life. His lips move into a smile on their own. “Well, I made one to you, didn’t I?”

“You idiot…! You don’t leave me out..!” Felix protests, pulling on Sylvain’s shirt even more. He fears the collar might stretch out too much. “I made the same vow to you, too…”

“I know, Felix,” Sylvain whispers. “I just…” He sighs. Sylvain thinks he must have the dopiest look in his eyes. They’re shining with fondness and warmth. He can’t help himself anymore, not with Felix right here. Not with his impulse control dulled by all the shenanigans of the night. He reaches up, slowly, waiting for Felix to flinch or swat him away. When he doesn’t, Sylvain rests one of his hands on Felix’s cheek, swiping his thumb lightly over his lips. “I know you have a hard time… letting yourself be vulnerable or rely on anyone. And… Protecting you is the way I like to tell you... that it doesn’t make you weak to know you can always rely on me.” He takes a deep breath, reaches his other hand up, and cups Felix’s face properly. The way Felix’s mouth pulls into a thin line while his eyes mist up is mesmerizing. “I want you to rely on me.” Sylvain aches all over, but he toughs it out, cracking a smile and a wink. “But maybe that got lost in translation.”

Sylvain thinks he sees Felix’s mouth tremble. “Sylvain…” is all he can manage. 

Sylvain closes his eyes and tilts his head forward, meeting Felix’s forehead with his own. “Sorry…” He lets his hands drop back down to Felix’s shoulders. “Here I was, trying not to say anything embarrassing, but-”

“Sylvain.”

Sylvain doesn’t dare open his eyes. He can’t. He needs this just a little longer. He takes a few beats before he can answer, “Yeah, Felix?”

“...I want to kiss you.”

Now, Sylvain’s eyes shoot open, and he’s met with the most intense, beautiful brown gaze he’s ever experienced from Felix. Those eyes pierce him through the chest and they snatch his breath away, leaving Sylvain feeling like their hammock has begun drifting above the trees. 

“Holy shit…” Sylvain gasps. He clutches Felix’s shoulders without meaning to, and his large hands fit perfectly over the round muscles. “Felix… Please… Say that again. I wanna make sure I heard that right.”

“No.”

Felix meets Sylvain’s mouth with his own, and oh, Goddess, Sylvain doesn’t even know where he is anymore. He doesn’t know _ who _ he is anymore. He doesn’t care. _ Felix._ Felix is all that’s here. _ All Felix. _ Sylvain’s arms clasp tightly around Felix’s smaller frame, holding him, treasuring him, and he keeps kissing Felix, not even caring about how his lungs might scream for air, he wants to smother himself in him. 

Felix doesn’t let that happen, though, and when he pulls away, Sylvain’s heart cries in agony. 

“I was afraid, too, you know…” Felix whispers. “Of saying something stupid that you might remember tomorrow… And I’ve said… way too much…”

Sylvain reaches up again, to cradle Felix’s face in his hands, so gingerly, as if he might break and blow away. “No, Felix… I want to hear anything and everything you have to say. You never have to hide anything from me… You know that…” He manages a swallow down his tight throat, all too aware that no person would ever have thought that, not with the way Sylvain conducts himself. How is he so lucky? How is he blessed with Felix, one of the only people smart enough to see right through every facade and mask that Sylvain throws over himself to hide behind? How can he be worth something so precious, someone that empties his cluttered soul and makes him forget he’s been too cowardly to admit _ anything _? His thoughts keep racing and racing, and he curses every drink and hit he’s had tonight. 

Felix pulls him back to earth by whispering against Sylvain’s lips. “I… Am I… going to wake up again… And you… won’t be…”

“Felix, never,” Sylvain cuts him off, knowing exactly where Felix’s thoughts were leading him. For the first time in years, Sylvain can see the same cloudy eyes that Felix used to wear when they were kids. Those cloudy eyes, ready to burst with tears, so innocent, full of loneliness, a crippling, permanent fear of loss stamped into them that Felix had to bury in stones, anger, and detachment. 

“All I ever want to do is hold you,” Sylvain whispers, and he presses forward just enough to kiss Felix’s lips, tenderly, delicately. He locks his gaze with Felix’s, not even wanting to blink. “I love holding you, Fe. You know that, right? Tell me you know that.”

“I…” Felix inhales and then lets out a ragged breath. “I do. I know.”

“I love _ you_, Felix.”

“...I…”

“You don’t have to say anything… I love you. That’s all.”

Felix glares down at Sylvain, pounding gently on his sternum with his fist. “_ I _ love you _ too! _ Idiot… Telling me this shit now, after getting fucked up at a damn party…”

Sylvain grunts, because Felix’s ‘gentle’ wasn’t really all that gentle. He laughs, pulling Felix in and rocking the hammock back and forth again with his legs. “Sorry, Felix. I knew I shoulda saved it for the altar.”

Felix snorts against Sylvain’s neck, and Sylvain knows it was a laugh. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Mmhmm.” Sylvain lets his eyes drift closed, cradling Felix in the rocking hammock. There’s an easy silence for awhile, as the night wind blows over them, and Sylvain is simply captivated by the feeling of Felix’s lithe frame resting on his, curled up.

Oh… curled up. 

“You’re cold,” Sylvain says, not a question, a statement. 

“I am cold,” Felix repeats.

Even with the jacket, huh? Poor Felix. “Do you wanna go back in?”

“No,” Felix replies, to Sylvain’s surprise. Well, perhaps it wasn’t that surprising that Felix didn’t want to return to a crowd of their loud, drunk, horny friends. What does surprise him is when Felix opens his mouth and continues, “I want you to take responsibility and warm me up yourself…” Felix lifts his head to stare Sylvain in the eyes, and oh, Sylvain can _s__ee _ his dilated pupils, even in the dim moonlight… “Out here.”

Don’t fuck this up, Sylvain. It doesn’t matter how unbearably horny you are. You _ cannot. _ You _ whore_. “Are you sure…?” Sylvain presses, ignoring the enraged screams coming from his pants. “You know I’m a real sleaze… I don’t wanna be disrespectful to you by-”

“Sylvain,” Felix interrupts him, and even though he said Sylvain’s name, he meant, ‘Shut the fuck up.’ “We’re at a party where our peers are all fucking each other. Even _ I’ve _ loosened up and kissed Claude tonight. So just… Touch me before I decide to change my mind!”

Sylvain obeys, he obeys. 

The only thing Sylvain lets Felix keep wearing is his jacket, and even then, it’s draped over his shoulders. With one swift movement, Sylvain looses Felix’s hair from his ponytail, gazing at him in reverence as the dark locks pool over his shoulders and flow over his face, and Sylvain didn’t realize just how much more alluring Felix could be… his smooth skin bathed in moonlight, the stars shimmering in his eyes, Sylvain wants to kiss every inch of him, whisper his name into the locks of his hair and the shell of his ear like an oath, and even then, it wouldn’t be enough. 

He pulls Felix forward by the hips, letting him straddle his chest, taking him slowly into his mouth. Felix puts his hands against the bark of the tree, holding himself up desperately and not caring about the way the bark scratches his palms. 

Sylvain drinks him, he drinks in the sweet whimpers that spill from Felix mouth, the wind floating them to Sylvain’s ears and carrying them down his skin, setting it ablaze. Sylvain gropes and paws at Felix’s ass, spreading his soft cheeks apart and making Felix’s thighs shake and clench around his torso. Sylvain drags one hand up his cock, catching precum as it drips down the head, slicking his fingers up with it. He brings it up to Felix’s entrance, moaning around him as he prods at him, gently pressing his index fingertip inside. Felix shivers and arches his back, pressing against Sylvain’s mouth as Sylvain sinks his finger in to the knuckle. 

“Agh…! Nnh…!”

Sylvain pulls away from Felix, tilting his head back to gaze up at his face. He caresses his thigh up and down. “Are you okay?”

Felix nods, biting his lip, pressing his forehead against the tree trunk. 

Sylvain could melt into a puddle and leak through the holes in the hammock. He smiles, adoration beaming in his eyes as he carefully presses his second finger inside Felix to scissor him open. “You’re doing so good, Fe… You’re beautiful, do you know that…?”

“Sh… Shut up…! Haahn…!” 

Sylvain continues opening him up, slowly and sweetly, and Goddess, does he worship the way Felix comes undone when he finally brushes against his sweet spot. He fingers him a little longer, drawing out the loveliest whines from him, until Felix clutches his wrist and begs him to stop before he finishes. 

Sylvain shifts Felix into his lap, quickly sucking his fingers clean and then wiping them on his jeans, now crinkled around one of his thighs. 

“You’re so gross,” Felix complains, and Sylvain stretches up to kiss his neck. 

“Sorry, would you rather me have my fingers touch you after being all up in your business?”

“Ugh, why do you speak…” Felix mutters, but he adjusts himself, his hips hovering over Sylvain’s. 

“Yeah, I know, I’m a pain, huh?” Sylvain rubs the small of Felix’s back, kisses a trail up his neck to his jaw, laughing quietly into his skin. “There are condoms in the pocket of my jeans.”

Felix is quiet for a moment, and then he nuzzles his face into Sylvain’s fluffy hair. “Or…”

Sylvain’s heart kicks in his chest. “Oh…! F-fuck, Felix, okay, if you’re sure…”

Felix presses himself down against Sylvain, rocking his hips back and forth, grinding on his throbbing cock. Sylvain grabs Felix’s waist, letting a sigh fall out of him as he ruts against him with need. 

Felix kisses Sylvain’s forehead (at which Sylvain’s heart flutters) as he reaches back into his own pants, now a crumpled puddle laying between Sylvain’s knees. He takes a lube packet from his wallet. 

“Hold me up, I don’t want to fall,” Felix murmurs, tearing the packet open and squeezing the lubricant into his palm. Sylvain nods, squeezing Felix’s waist gently to demonstrate his firm grip. Felix reaches between his legs, stroking the length of Sylvain’s shaft to slick him up. Sylvain hisses a bit at the cold, but he quickly recovers when he feels Felix’s wet opening kissing the head of his cock. 

Sylvain smiles up at Felix, reaching up to tuck a lock of his hair behind one of his ears again. “Don’t push yourself, okay?”

Felix smirks. “If you don’t want me to push myself, don’t challenge me.” 

With that, Felix lowers his hips, guiding Sylvain inside him, his breath hitching at the feeling of being stretched so far, and it makes his thighs tremble. He wonders if his legs might buckle beneath himself, and Sylvain must sense it, because he holds Felix’s waist in place.

“Goddess, look at you…” Sylvain pants, thrusting his hips upward and sinking himself deeper into Felix’s tight heat. Felix’s fists clench over Sylvain’s wrists, and he tosses his head back in a moan. “Felix…! Fuck…! You’re doing so good…” Sylvain massages Felix’s hips to soothe him, feeling just how hard he’s shaking. 

“Haah.! Aah…! Syl..vaa... Nngh!” Felix’s breaths come in shallow, and his lashes flutter as he moves his hips, bouncing up and down on Sylvain’s thick cock. He really, really looks like an angel. His hair flowing over his chest and shoulders in navy blue runnels, his skin glistening in the starlight, his muscles rippling as they flex with feeling, his long lashes fluttering as he rolls his eyes back, his mouth hanging open as he whimpers Sylvain’s name over and over. 

Sylvain has never felt so wrecked in his twenty-two years of life. 

He reaches up and embraces Felix, pulling him down, holding him flush against his body, fisting one hand in his silky hair, placing the other over the small of his back to keep him in place. He angles the rocking of his hips to hit Felix just where he knows he’ll go crazy. When Felix’s body jolts, and he cries out, Sylvain tightens his grip on his hair and fucks into him harder. 

“Aagh! Aah! Sylvain…! Sylvain!” Felix claws at Sylvain’s bare, muscled chest and shoulders, quivering in his hold. 

Sylvain tugs on Felix’s hair to lift his head, bringing it up enough to kiss him again. He lets himself get lost in the other man, cherishing every inch of his mouth that he can taste, burying himself deep inside Felix every time he slams their hips together. 

“Felix…! I love you…!” he moans, between kisses, “You’re everything…!”

“Sylvain…! P-please…! Inside…!” Felix can barely make out words, with how much Sylvain’s cock is turning his brain to mush.

But Sylvain is fluent in Felix. 

He lets Felix thrust against him, using all of his willpower not to finish until Felix gets his release. He wants nothing but Felix’s pleasure, that’s all he ever wants, all he’ll ever want again. He leans into his ear and whispers, “Come on, baby… Do it for me,” and he hears the most gorgeous, breathless whine escape from Felix’s throat. 

Felix arches his back, tossing his head up, his entire body shuddering as his orgasm shoots through his body. He convulses around Sylvain, his thighs quaking as he lets himself feel everything he hasn’t let himself feel for far too long. He screams Sylvain’s name, and that sends Sylvain falling over the edge with him, pounding into him feverishly as he pumps Felix full of his cum. Sylvain feels like his entire soul is exploding, like every pore on his body is beaming with heat, like steam is rushing to his head and evaporating his whole self into a wisp. My Goddess, Felix just made him forget his own name, his address, he nearly forgets to start breathing again. 

Sylvain lays limp, hypnotized by the feeling of Felix catching his own breath, drooling and panting into the crook of his neck. He runs his hands up and down Felix’s back, feeling absolutely blissed out. He swallows, trying to wet his dry throat. 

“Fe… Holy shit… I don’t think I’ve ever nutted that hard in my life.”

“Please, don’t say that right _ now _…” Felix grumbles, but all the bite has been fucked out of him.

Sylvain rolls to the side, wiggling back into his pants to help Felix back into his. He helps Felix back into that sexy little sleeveless turtleneck again, and then drapes both his shirt and jacket over top of him. 

Sylvain can hear a soft ‘Thank you’ under Felix’s breath, and he hugs him to his chest. He smiles.

“Just making sure you’re warm, like you asked me to.”


	6. dorks in love (2019)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ashe deserves a big win

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short but so are ashe and annette so shut up and eat what i feed you

After indulging Claude by singing for him, Annette returns to Ashe and Caspar, both standing on the balcony. 

Caspar, to her delight, is looking considerably less green. 

She hands him a cup of water that she’d grabbed from the kitchen and turns to Ashe. “Is he doing okay now?”

Ashe pats Capar’s back, but not too hard to interfere with him swallowing water. “He’s doing loads better.”

Annette ruffles the thick hair on the top of Caspar’s head, at which he snickers, while Ashe moves to sit in one of the two balcony chairs.

Smiling, Annette follows, sitting on Ashe’s lap. His freckled face instantly turns a deep red. “Annette…?”

“I wanna save Caspar his own chair,” Annette replies simply. 

Finally standing up straight, Caspar puts on a proud smirk. “Thanks Annette, but I don’t need a chair! I need to go brush my teeth, anyway.” His smirk fades a bit when he adds the second part. He hugs the two of them together as thanks before leaving through the sliding door. He wonders if he’s some kind of cupid. 

Now that they’re alone together, Annette smiles shyly at her lap, while Ashe fiddles with the mesh cupholders on the arms of the chair. (It’s a folding camping chair)

“Um…” Ashe begins, “Are you comfortable, Annette? I-if you need to, you can lean on me…”

Annette smiles crookedly. “S-sure, if that’s okay…!”

“Absolutely! I don’t mind at all! Here, come closer.” Ashe summons up every fiber of courage in his body, pulling Annette in so she’s snuggled up nice and close, leaning her head against his shoulder. He really wishes he could look at her face, but he’s also thankful that he isn’t. He must be crimson by now. 

They sit quietly together, just enjoying each other’s company, Ashe absent-mindedly rubbing Annette’s shoulder with his thumb. 

He then feels Annette poking his face. He smiles, but it wavers ticklishly. 

Annette giggles. “Wait, stay still, I’m counting your freckles!”

  
“I-I can’t…!” Ashe stutters, “I might sneeze…!”

Annette lets out a bubbly laugh this time, and Ashe can’t even help himself, laughing along with her. 

Annette looks at him with a smile, but this time, it’s different than one of her usual cheery smiles. It’s even more unusual because she shifts her body, turning around to straddle his lap. But, in her own little Annette manner, she leans forward to press her nose against Ashe’s. “Boop.”

Ashe, being equally as much of a dork, is left breathless. 

“Annette…”

“Hmm?”

“Um… Can I… kiss you…?”

Annette giggles once again, and if sunshine had a sound, that would be it.

“Only if I get to kiss you back.”

Ashe meets her halfway, keeping his hands politely on Annette’s waist. But oh, a wonderful and terrifying heat stirs in him when Annette’s soft hands take his wrists, moving his hands up her stomach, up to her ribs, all the way up to cup her breasts over her shirt. Oh. _ Oh._

Ashe shivers, but he decides to match her bravery.

He slides his tongue across Annette’s lower lip, and she sighs into his mouth as she parts her own in response. His hands clench nervously as he slips his tongue into her mouth, and his heart skips a beat when he realizes he’s squeezing her tits. Annette moans quietly into their kiss, leaning in deeper, and Ashe feels like a fire has ignited in his chest. 

When Annette’s delicate arms curl around the back of Ashe’s neck, and her fingers tease and tug at his hairline, Ashe lets his hands fall back to Annette’s hips. But they don’t stay long. He slides his fingers under the brim of her shirt and lets his hands wander upward, pushing up through her shirt so he can fondle her over her bra. 

Annette’s response is to spread her thighs more, hiking her skirt up over them, and grind her panties against Ashe’s lap. 

Okay. Ashe has left the building. 

They both break their kiss to gasp and sigh against each other’s lips. Ashe moves one of his hands to Annette’s hips to hold her against the tent in his pants, while Annette holds onto Ashe’s shoulders to steady herself as she grinds down on him, gyrating her hips in a way Ashe had _ no _ idea she could. _ Good Goddess_. 

Ashe’s head dives forward to kiss and suck on Annette’s neck, and one of her hands comes up to grab the back of his head. She tilts her head and moans, allowing Ashe even more room to ravish her soft, lovely skin. She grinds faster against him, circling her hips fast, rubbing her panties so hard against him that he can _ feel _the shape of her. 

Ashe releases her breast with his other hand so he can grab her thighs, holding them as he thrusts his clothed arousal against her, awed by her sweet, high-pitched moans and sighs as she grasps at him with trembling hands. 

Annette’s glossed lips fall open to let out a shuddering sigh, and she shakes like a leaf in Ashe’s grip as she comes apart in his lap. “Haaahn! Ashe! Hnnh…!”

“Annette…! Annette, oh my Ghh…! Haah..!” Ashe can feel her twitching through her panties as she finishes, and he loses what little shred of control he was trying to cling to, climaxing right after her and making an absolute mess of his pants that he’ll just have to worry about later. Right now, there’s a beautiful girl in his lap, disheveled and sexy and sweet and _ perfect_, who just made him cum without even _ touching _ him. 

Ashe is staring at her, wide-eyed, completely and utterly awed, and Annette pants as she lets out a shy, breathless giggle. 

“Sorry…! I’m super sensitive, so I finish a little easily…”

Ashe swallows the lump in his throat, but his jaw falls agape again. “That’s fine,” he replies, stupefied. “That’s very, very fine.”

Annette laughs more brightly now, her energy returning much faster than Ashe’s. “We… should do this more often.”

When Annette winks at him, in all her dorkiness, Ashe can only swoon. 


	7. The Truffle Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lizard in this chapter. I turned in my physics homework late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title of the chapter is literally just from me and my friends playing breath of the wild and repeatedly running into the two girls that hunt for hearty truffles - there is no relation at all but i can name chapters whatever i want

The bathroom is spotless, and Hilda had bought a fuzzy rug for the floor, so Bernadetta is thankful she’s not sitting on some cold tile.

Marianne and Lysithea are with her, Marianne seated on the cushioned toilet (thanks, Claude) while Lysithea leans against the door. 

“Sorry that your first time at the house was such a bummer, Bernie,” Lysithea apologizes, arms crossed, ponytail swaying as she shakes her disappointed head.

“I’m sorry, too, Bernadetta…” Marianne’s soft, airy voice is heavy with regret. “I just… can’t say I’m… surprised.”

Bernadetta releases a long, lamenting sigh, letting her head sink between her knees in utter defeat. “Me neither… And at one of Claude and Hilda’s parties, what can you expect, huh…?” 

“You want me to beat the shit out of Claude, Bernie?” Lysithea offers, “I’ll beat him to death if you want me to.”

“No…!” Bernadetta squeaks, quickly springing upright so fast that Marianne worries she might whack her spine against the back of the bathtub. She doesn’t, but it’s a close call. “Don’t do that…! Plus, what about Sylvain…?” she adds, quietly, bringing hands up to cover her paling face. 

“I’ll bribe Felix to kill him, with some of the special cakes he likes!” Lysithea answers. 

“I don’t think Felix would require a bribe for that…” Marianne points out, and she cracks a smile. “He’d do it for free.”

Bernadetta snorts. All three girls start giggling as the tension dissipates from the air. 

“Men are just dumb, annoying, and horny, Bernie,” Lysithea tells her, “Except for one.”

Bernadetta tilts her head, her earrings twinkling. “Which one?”

Marianne nods. “Raphael.”

“Yeah! Wait, no! Hold on.” Lysithea reaches for the door handle, pointing at Bernadetta. “I’ll be right back.” 

Lysithea leaves the quieter girls in the bathroom, but returns shortly - in her hands is a small, brown lizard with darker horizontal stripes down his back. 

The dull pain in Bernadetta’s eyes vanishes, and they sparkle with wonder instead. 

Marianne giggles, happy to see how excited Bernie is already. “This is Claude’s pet skink, Lester.”

Lester blinks. 

Bernadetta’s eyes shine as she clasps her hands in front of her mouth. “Oh…!” she whimpers, overwhelmed with joy, “He’s wonderful…! He looks so friendly… Hi, Lester…”

Lysithea laughs, holding Lester in her cupped hands toward Bernadetta. “You haven’t even seen the best part! Poke his nose, gently.”

“He won’t bite, we promise,” Marianne adds. 

Bernadetta smears her tears away on her sleeve before she reaches out, lightly tapping his nose with her fingertip. Lester’s blue tongue flicks out, and wiggles around to tickle Bernadetta. She gasps and swoons, elated. “He’s perfect…! Lester is perfect.”

Marianne’s smile is even more angelic as she watches Bernadetta adore the little skink. “If you ever want to come visit Lester, Bernie, you can always text me…” she offers, soft and pure and perfect.

Lysithea nods. “Me, too!”

Bernadetta smiles, glancing shyly up at the two of them before letting her gaze settle back on Lester. “Okay…! I might…!” She laughs nervously. “It sounds much nicer than the huge groupchat…”

“Oh, I muted that long ago,” Lysithea says, rolling her eyes. “Everyone kept double-texting and _ Claude _ got everyone to start sending weird, abstract memes from twitter and Reddit. The _ last _thing I want is Claude’s stupid self barging in on my day.”

Edelgard, after reading off the order list to Mercedes as they called [PEEPOOPOO POOPYCOCKS] pizza, bumps into Claude as she leaves the kitchen. 

Claude’s green eyes sparkle as a goofy smile lights up his face. “Hey there.”

Edelgard returns the smile, though hers is pointedly more smug. “Hello.”

Claude, the charmer that he is, leans against the wall, arms crossed, one sly leg over the other, and tilts his head to rest it on the wall. “Having fun?”

Edelgard leaves him waiting for her answer, flipping her hair behind her shoulder. “I could be.”

There’s a strange satisfaction for Edelgard when Claude’s brows raise, and he grins with his teeth. 

“Whatever does _ that _ mean, Edie?”

“It could mean many things,” Edelgard toys with him, her smirk only widening when Claude leans forward, eager for her to continue. “But I think you’re smart enough to figure out at least _ one _ meaning. Unless, of course...” Edelgard brings up one polished finger to press it lightly against Claude’s adam’s apple, and she feels it bob under her fingertip as Claude’s breath escapes him. “...I underestimated you…?”

Claude manages to compose himself enough to smirk back at her, bringing his own hand up to take hers, running his thumb over her knuckles. “Has fate truly blessed me with _ flirting _ from the _ Edelgard von Hresvelg _ herself?” He lets out a low chuckle as he playfully kisses the back of her hand. “I’m unworthy of such an honor.”

“Agreed. I’m just that generous.”

“Jeez, you’re really pushing all the right buttons tonight, huh?”

“Well, what can I say…” Edelgard slips her hand out of Claude’s to trail her index finger down the bridge of his nose, and she smiles as she watches him gnaw at his bottom lip. “You might have piqued my curiosity.” She returns her hand to her hip. “And I’ve also caught wind of your little ‘competition’ with Hilda from Dorothea.”

Claude laughs. “Ah, so it all comes back to winning. I should have guessed.”

Edelgard shakes her head. “Not exactly, Claude. It’s mostly a useful excuse.”

Claude inhales deeply, leaning forward enough so that his wavy hair brushes against Edelgard’s forehead. “Elaborate for me?”

“Now you’re just being coy, smart boy. But I’ll indulge you.” Now, Edelgard takes a step closer, chest to chest with Claude, bringing one hand up to rest on his shoulder. She walks her fingers along his collarbone, and lightly trails her nails up his neck. He shivers, and she eyes his throat as he swallows. “If I’m helping you beat Hilda,” Edelgard continues, now a murmur as she moves her mouth closer to his, “I’m _ definitely _ not doing something as ridiculous as wanting to see how you might squirm under my hands.”

Claude sucks in a sharp gasp, and his hands fly to her waist. “Oh, _ fuck_, Edelgard…”

Edelgard flattens her hands against Claude’s chest, pushing him against the wall as she stands on her tiptoes to kiss him. She grabs at his open button-down and slips her hands into his shirt, sliding them over his chest and feeling his heart pound wildly underneath her palm. Claude’s hands clutch her sweater and skirt, fisting against the fabric as he pulls her up, wedging his leg between hers. Edelgard swipes her tongue over the roof of Claude’s mouth as she grinds down on his thigh. 

Claude opens his mouth to gasp, and then shudders when Edelgard tugs his bottom lip with her teeth. When she moves up to bite his earlobe, Claude moves his hands down to settle on Edelgard’s hips, panting openly. 

“Holy shit… Edelgard… I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me…!” He stumbles forward as Edelgard yanks him by the shirt, pulling him in for another heated kiss as they nearly trip over each other down the hall. Claude grasps at the first doorknob he can feel, struggling to turn it with Edelgard sucking on his tongue and tangling her fingers so nicely in his hair. 

Lysithea, Marianne, and Bernadetta scream as Claude and Edelgard tumble into the bathroom in a liplock. 

Bernadetta dives through their legs, scurrying out of the bathroom on all fours and disappearing from sight. Lester crawls up Lysithea’s sleeve, and Marianne deftly plucks him off of her shoulder and cups him to her chest as she rushes out, trying not to hyperventilate. Lysithea follows suit, shouting a slurry of curses and insults at Claude.

Claude and Edelgard are holding each other in the doorway. 

Claude smiles sheepishly. “That’s the second apology I owe Bernadetta tonight.”

“You’re doing great.” Edelgard pats Claude’s cheek. “Where’s your bedroom?”

“I’ll lead the way.”

Claude and Edelgard rush up the stairs like they’re goin to fuckin disneyland. As soon as they reach Claude’s room, Claude shuts the door and locks it while Edelgard tugs on his arm to pull him onto the bed. 

His bed is big, taking up a lot of the room, which is a bit of a mess. Claude kicks a pile of books onto the floor from where they were at the foot of the bed. 

He gets on top of Edelgard and lets her wrap her arms around his shoulders, kissing her again. He moans with relief when he presses the aching tent in his pants against her, grinding on her through her skirt. He runs a hand up her calf, all the way to her thigh, enjoying the soft fabric of her tights as he swipes his thumb just over her inner thigh, up her pelvic bone. He feels Edelgard moan into his mouth, and his heart swells with a bit of pride. 

When they break the kiss, Claude smiles down at Edelgard. 

“Alright… How about we agree on a word for ‘stop?’” he suggests. 

Edelgard nods. “Okay.”

Claude bites his lip thoughtfully, and Edelgard definitely likes it more than she should. “What’s something you’d _never_ say during sex?”

“Hubert,” Edelgard answers without missing a beat. 

Claude wheezes with laughter, leaning his forehead against Edelgard’s shoulder. With Claude laughing, Edelgard bursts out into laughter along with him. 

“Okay…!” Claude breathes, nodding. “Okay. Hubert. Got it.”

Edelgard starts unbuttoning Claude’s shirt, and Claude unzips her skirt to pull it down her legs. With his shirt open now, Claude slips it off of his arms, and Edelgard sits up to pull her sweater over her head and toss it aside. 

“You have amazing legs,” Claude compliments her, staring openly at her bright red tights. 

“Thank you.”

Claude presses a hand to Edelgard’s stomach to lay her down again, kissing her once before moving down her body. He lifts both of her legs up, slotting himself between them and caressing the backs of her thighs. He shifts his hand to rub the heel of it against her clothed pussy, and Edelgard sighs. 

“Aahh… Mmn…” Edelgard reaches her hand out toward him. “Get over here…” 

Claude, still rubbing her off in a slow circle, leans back in as Edelgard slips out of her lacy bralette. 

“Edelgard, you’re really hot.”

She runs her fingers through Claude’s hair, and then grips it. “I think you’re hot too, in case you didn’t realize.”

Claude sighs through his teeth, leaning into her touch as she pulls on his hair. “Oh, good. I didn’t wanna assume.”

Edelgard makes a small hum, and then pushes Claude’s head down to her chest. He takes the hint and sweeps his tongue over one of her tits, sucking on her nipple and pressing his fingertips against the clothed slit of her pussy. Edelgard drags her knees up, gasping quietly, and moves her hands off of Claude to grip the brim of her tights. “Help me out of these,” she says, and Claude obeys, dragging her tights carefully down her legs, still sucking on her breast. Claude slips his hand into her panties now, moving to give equal attention to the other side of her chest. 

Edelgard sighs, trailing her fingernails down Claude’s back and sending a shiver down his spine. She can feel his fingers prodding at her wetness, and she really, really wants to get her underwear off. 

Claude must have shared her thoughts, because he swirls his tongue around her nipple one more time before crawling down her body. He slides his hands between her thighs and then grabs the backs of them, pushing them up and apart as he leans down to lick her panties. 

“Aaahn…! Claude…!” 

Claude grabs the brim with his teeth, dragging the garment up her legs until her panties are dangling from one ankle. He dives back down immediately, dragging his tongue in a slow, deliberate lick up from her hole to her clit. 

Edelgard squeezes her thighs around Claude’s head, and she fists her hands in his hair, panting, shivering when he starts sucking gently on her clit. Claude’s tongue laps at her eagerly, his fingers kneading her toned thighs as he dips his tongue down to tease her opening more. He slides his hands down to spread her apart, and then flicks his tongue fast over her hole, loving the way her thighs tremble and clench tight, trapping him. 

Not that he’d rather be anywhere else. 

“Feeling good, Princess?” Claude murmurs, and before she can answer, buries his face in her pussy again, licking harder at her entrance until he feels it twitch, and then open up for him to slip his tongue inside. 

“Aagh! Claude! Ahh!” Edelgard writhes under Claude as his tongue darts in and out of her, sending hot waves up pleasure to rush up her body, flushing her milky skin. She brings a hand up to bite on her knuckles as she rolls her hips, grinding against Claude’s face as he tongue-fucks her. “Nngh…! Claude, wait, I’m…!” 

Claude chuckles as he drags his tongue over her slit one more time, and then pulls away. He kneels upright, unbuckling his belt and wiggling out of his jeans, and then his boxer-briefs. He sees Edelgard staring at his dick in his hand.

“Heh, you’re making me a little self-conscious,” he jokes, winking. “I thought I was a pretty alright size.”

Edelgard laughs lightly. “Oh, no, it’s not that.” She brings her hands up behind her head, squeezing the pillow she was resting on. “I’ve never actually had sex with a man before.”

Claude blinks. “Huh. Whaddaya know… No pressure, Claude…” he mutters.

Edelgard smirks, moving her legs apart a little more. “You were doing a little _ too _ well,” she reminds him. “Now, get over here so you can finish the job…”

He’s on her in less than a heartbeat, reaching past her and into his nightstand to grab a condom. He grabs like three by accident, but he only puts on one, of course. 

“Remember,” Claude murmurs, rubbing himself against her slit, “Hubert.”

Edelgard sputters out a laugh, and Claude snickers at her. 

“Hubert is the _last _ thing I want to remember right _ now _!”

Claude kisses Edelgard’s neck, and then kisses her on the lips. He suddenly feels her hands reach up to grab his neck, and it takes the wind out of him. 

“Let’s not play so nice anymore,” she whispers. 

“Fuck, okay, whatever you say…!”

Claude lets himself sink into Edelgard’s wet pussy, and he lets her squeeze his neck, pressing her fingers against the soft spots beneath his jaw. He lets out a breathless whine, rolling his hips into Edelgard and fucking her at an easy pace. His hair hangs in his face as his jaw falls open, and Edelgard grips his throat nice and tight as she wraps her legs around his waist, pulling him and guiding his thrusts deeper into her. 

Edelgard keeps one hand choking Claude, but moves the other to the back of his head to pull it closer to her own. She stretches up to whisper in his ear again, tightening her grasp. “I like this feeling… Ahh.. Nngh… Fuck me like you mean it…”

Edelgard can feel Claude swallowing against her palm, and he bucks his hips faster into her, eyes rolling back, burying himself in the warmth of her pussy and losing himself to the feeling of her hand drawing every breath out of him. 

“Aggh…! Edelgard…! Oh my f-fuck… Hnnh!” 

Edelgard pushes up under Claude’s jaw, tilting his head back so she can scrape her teeth across his throat, and she bites down with satisfaction when Claude drives his cock into her harder. She feels Claude’s cock twitch inside her, and she shudders, eyes going wide. That’s certainly never happened before. She wants it to happen again. 

Claude is taking in shallow gasps for every breath, slamming his hips against Edelgard so hard that he can _ hear _ how wet she is. He grips her by the hips and pulls her onto himself each time he thrusts in, and when Edelgard rolls her hips against him in rhythm, it sends a jolt of sensation straight through his core, and it makes his cock _ throb_. Edelgard seems to feel it, as she arches her back, hands twitching from their position on Claude’s neck. 

“Harder…! Harder, Claude…!” 

“Edelgard…!” 

Claude splutters as he chokes, letting his breath drift away from him, his body sweating, his hair sticking to his face, Edelgard’s face blurry as his lashes flutter over his eyes. He pumps his cock into her, desperately, curling his hips up so he can hit her g-spot. He praises himself internally when Edelgard’s pussy starts quivering around him. He slips a hand between their bodies to rub her clit, and Edelgard keens, squeezing him so_ tight _-

Claude can’t even breathe enough to let out a wail as he cums, shuddering, while Edelgard holds him in place with her legs. 

He doesn’t have any time to recover when Edelgard shifts her weight, rolling the two of them over, and pins him underneath her. 

He barely gets a breath in before Edelgard’s ass is in his face, her wet pussy pressing against his mouth. Oh, thrilled doesn’t even describe the feeling. 

Claude grasps eagerly at Edelgard’s thighs, holding onto her as she grinds against his face, and he sucks her pussy, swirling his tongue around her hole. 

“Claude…! Claude…!” Edelgard gasps, pleasuring her clit with a shaking hand as Claude eats her out like his last meal. She falls forward as she climaxes, hair draping over her face as she catches herself on Claude’s abdomen, cumming all over his face and mouth, her thighs shaking as they clench around his head. 

The two of them lay there, sprawled out, just breathing for who the hell knows how long. Edelgard’s entire body feels like hot rubber, and she can only manage to roll off of Claude and drag herself back to the pillow. 

Claude was at least able to clean his mouth off with a makeup wipe, from a pack that Hilda had left on his nightstand. He tied the condom, somehow, and now it’s resting forever in his wastebasket. He flops over with a sigh, staring blankly at the ceiling. 

“Edelgard... I think I’ve reached nirvana...”

Edelgard can’t even keep her eyes open. “You really aren’t all talk… I’m impressed.”

Claude pulls the corner of his mouth up in a tired smirk. “If you ever feel like, uh, absolutely destroying me again… I’m always game.”

“_Duly _ noted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i based safeword hubert on a dumb drawing i made
>
>> [pic.twitter.com/jNt49zXJsg](https://t.co/jNt49zXJsg)


	8. I kinda want a hamgborgher/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you don't have a good dad, Hubert will be your new dad.  
Apparently, Lorenz will also be your new dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAT GUIDE:  
Claude - press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
Hilda - 🅱️ilda  
Marianne - mari  
Lysithea - 🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!  
Lorenz - ☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️  
Raphael - MISTER MEATY  
Ignatz - bob ross milo thatch slash fic  
Leonie - Stop naming me DILF Fucker
> 
> Dimitri - Dimitri  
Dedue - Dadue  
Felix - フェリックス  
Sylvain - haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;)  
Ashe - A Friend And Boy  
Mercedes - Momcedes❤️  
Annette - 🎵stream box song!!!  
Ingrid - Ingrid🗡️🛡️
> 
> Edelgard - The Fighter  
Hubert - друг  
Ferdinand - Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl)  
Dorothea - she doesnt have the range, darling  
Caspar - might makes brain worms  
Linhardt - Do Not Disturb🌙  
Petra - Starfire⭐🔥  
Bernadetta - bernieevee ;w;

Where in the hell has Edelgard disappeared to?

Hubert watched Mercedes return to the living room, but Edelgard wasn’t following her. He’d stood from his chair, using his height to scan above everyone’s heads like a weird periscope. She wasn’t in the kitchen, he checked, he even checked inside the coffee machine by making himself a mug. He went and peered out the sliding door to the balcony, and she wasn’t there either. He’d closed the blinds out of courtesy, seeing as Ashe and Annette were… cavorting. Knocking on the bathroom door got him a loud, “One minute!” from Raphael, and Hubert did not stay. 

He knocks on another door in the hall, but hears no answer this time. Hubert opens it, finding only darkness - and with the main lights off, and the only light coming from Claude’s little disco-ball lamp that everyone is dancing around, he really can’t see shit. He steps into the closet, only to feel an eerie chill crawl down his spine. 

He reaches into his back pocket to pull out his phone, squinting at his bright lockscreen (which as of now was a selfie Edelgard took of the two of them at her graduation, in her cap and gown) before fiddling with his phone to get the flashlight function to turn on. 

He shone the light around, and it landed upon a pair of beady eyes glowering at him from behind two raincoats. 

A shrill scream erupts from the source, and Hubert finds himself being pelted with jackets. He drops his phone in the process, bringing his hands up to shield his face, only to receive a suitcase (thankfully empty) to the chest that knocks him straight over onto his back. He lands in the pile of jackets, as his assailant shrieks, “MURDERER! A VAMPIRE! A MURDEROUS VAMPIRE!”

“My dear Bernie,” Hubert sighs, peeling one of Hilda’s bubble vests from his face, “Remember what I always tell you…?” 

Bernadetta cowers, but at least stops screaming and throwing shit. “I-I-If you w-wanted to murder me, I’d already have been dead for y-years…”

Hubert smiles. “Precisely.”

“Hyaaah…! H-H-Hubert, I still can’t get used to your smile…!”

Hearing her say that before had given Hubert a somewhat sadistic pleasure. But now, after getting to know Bernadetta, and watching her grow, it became only more endearing. She truly had grown significantly (not just in height) over the past two years - When Hubert had first met Bernadetta, he’d been annoyed at her skittishness. It was only after she’d admitted to their student teacher that her father was… well, abusing her, (a conversation which Hubert totally wasn’t eavesdropping on to figure out whether this ‘Byleth’ person was a threat to Edelgard) that Hubert realized_ why _ Bernadetta was so… like that. 

Needless to say, after he learned the truth, Hubert was furious. 

Hubert hadn’t _ quite _ declared himself her new father after that day. He’d just quietly handed her a copy of his apartment keys, mentioning that no one was there often, save the old cat that Petra had convinced him to adopt. Bernadetta had smiled. 

And now, she’s moved in with Dorothea and Petra, since Edelgard (their current roommate) is moving farther off to university. 

Hubert chuckles, standing up and smoothing away the wrinkles in his pants. “My apologies. I suppose it’s simply the way my face is shaped.” He starts messing with his sleeves - they’d become disheveled after the attack. 

Bernadetta sighs, puffing out her cheeks. “Heeey…! Don’t say that… Then I’ll feel bad…” She whines, approaching Hubert to fold his sleeves for him. Hubert chuckles more, holding out his arm patiently for her to dote on him. 

Hubert’s smile faded, and Bernadetta’s hands tensed around his rolled sleeve when the closet door opened. 

“What in the wide world is going on here?!” shouts a flabbergasted voice, waving a glass of rose moscato. “Hubert! Don’t tell me you’re doing nefarious things, like playing Seven Minutes In Heaven with poor Bernadetta!”

Oh. It’s only Ferdinand. 

“F-Ferdie…!” Bernadetta squeaks. “P-Please don’t scare me like that…!” She presses her forehead against Hubert’s arm. “Bernie’s had too much excitement for one night…”

“That’s exactly right,” Hubert echoes, “Which is why I was offering to drive Bernadetta home. Isn’t that right, Bernie?”

Bernadetta looks up at Hubert like he’s the very moon in the sky. “Yes…!”

Ferdinand puts one hand on his hip, the other still carefully cradling his wine glass. “Well, I want to come, too!” he declares, attaching himself to Hubert’s other arm. Hubert could not be more grateful that they are all in a dark closet. “I have barely seen the two of you all night! And now that we’re all graduating, I fear I won’t see much of you at all!”

And so Hubert ends up with Ferdinand singing showtunes in the shotgun seat of his car, and Bernadetta comfortably in the back, ordering them both food from Five Guys. 

A huge chunk of the party took a break from dancing to eat the pizza and wings that Mercedes had kindly ordered. Leonie and Raphael are breaking a wishbone together - Leonie wins, wishing for more sauce, and Raphael concedes that he’d wished the same thing. Lysithea pours more barbecue sauce onto their plates, and then screams and scrambles away when they try to hug her with their greasy, saucy wing hands. 

Petra is currently braiding Ignatz’s hair on the floor - both of them are flopped against the bottom of the couch after sharing a couple more brownies. 

In the middle of the feasting, Caspar suddenly gets up and hijacks the speaker to blast “Creeper Aw Man,” to which everyone (mostly Ashe, Caspar, and Raphael) starts screaming along. 

Dedue is the only one not singing (besides Linhardt, who is asleep by sheer willpower, snuggling a maybe-conscious Dimitri who is still recovering from his inebriation). He peers out the blinds, as he's been doing periodically for the past twenty minutes. 

There it is again. That black car driving around the complex, way too slowly. 

Dedue weaves in between screaming students to get to the balcony. 

“Excuse me,” he says, opening the sliding door to find Lorenz and Marianne sitting together, giggling over two mugs of tea. They turn to Dedue and he clears his throat. “I apologize for interrupting…”

Lorenz waves his hand. “Nonsense! We are always happy to have your company, Dedue!” He smiles at Marianne. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

Marianne smiles shyly at Dedue. 

Dedue crosses his arms and glances nervously back toward the house. “That’s good to hear. Well… There is a car patrolling outside, and I’m worried it’s the police. We might be too loud…”

Marianne’s face turns pale, and Lorenz is quick to cover her hands with his own. 

“Don’t fret, Marianne. We’ll just get Claude to control the party.” 

“That’s what I came to ask,” Dedue cuts in. “Where is Claude?”

Lorenz raises an eyebrow and then slowly begins to scowl. “How convenient that he’s not around. Did you check his room?”

“It was locked.”

“What about Hilda’s?”

Dedue shakes his head. “Hilda disappeared into her own room with Dorothea.”

Lorenz, exasperated, smacks his forehead with his palm. “Of course. Once again, I have to take responsibility for everything.” He stands up, and then storms into the living room. He takes Caspar’s phone and hits pause on the music, and flips on the main lightswitch as Dedue and Marianne are following behind. 

“Everyone needs to be quiet right now!” he nags. “There are cops outside, and they will most certainly not be pleased with all of our screaming teenagers and contraband!”

Dedue is honestly impressed with how aptly Lorenz is taking charge, ushering everyone to go conglomerate in Marianne’s bedroom upstairs while she helps Dedue clean up the living room. Poor Marianne, in her attempt to pick up all the boxes of food, drops some and spills them on the floor. Mercedes helps her out and starts cleaning the carpet so it won’t stain. Dedue makes sure the coffee table is cleared off. He pats Dimitri and Linhardt’s snoozing heads before covering them with the throw blanket. He also carefully slides a forgotten bottle of vodka underneath with them too. 

The moment of truth. There’s a loud knock on the front door. 

While Lorenz stands cautiously by the sofa, Dedue and Marianne answer the door. He hears Marianne take in a nervous breath as he opens it. 

There are two older adults outside. 

“Byleth?”

That’s right. Claude had invited everyone’s favorite student teacher. The blue-haired person in question smiles kindly. 

“M-Mister… Jeritza…?” Marianne murmurs, inching behind Dedue. 

Claude had _ also _ invited the other student teacher… Mercedes’ formerly estranged younger brother. No one was quite used to it yet. But, at the sound of her brother’s name, Mercedes got up from scrubbing the carpet and rushed over to his arms. 

“See, it was the correct house,” Jeritza points out to Byleth, in that dark voice of his, all while hugging Mercedes. 

Byleth nods, looking relieved, and then peers around Dedue into the house. “Are we late?”

“Not at all,” Dedue assures them. He flips the lightswitch back off, to which Lorenz shouts, “False alarm!” and plugs Claude’s disco ball back in. The main room then floods with students again, all eager to greet Byleth. Annette turns on the karaoke machine.

“Karaoke?” Byleth turns to Jeritza. “Emile. Let’s sing.”

“I’m no good at karaoke,” Jeritza laments. 

Byleth’s kind smile remains. “Me neither.”

**[ALWAYS KIDDING unless ur down ;))))]**

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** **@Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl)** **@フェリックス @haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) @The Fighter @bernieevee ;w; @друг **Excuse me, where the hell are all of you?

_ -フェリックス read ✓ 12:48 AM _

**🅱️ilda:** well at least felix is fine i gas

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** Hilda, come out of your room and be with your family.

**🅱️ilda:** noooo

**🅱️ilda:** dorotitty soft

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** 😘 💕💕

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** wow, without me? ;( rude

**A Friend And Boy:** lolll if i didnt already know sylvain was with felix i’d think he’s using claude’s phone

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** **@フェリックス @フェリックス @フェリックス **tea???

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** Claude you are supposed to be hosting why are you in your room right now.

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** better question

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** why aint yawl in here too

**Starfire⭐🔥:** the food is out here and not in there

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** youd be rite if i wasnt a whole meal petra griffin

**Starfire⭐🔥:** chxkdndkkd

**Starfire⭐🔥:** dhcjdnd

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** claude i literarlly hate u SO much

**might makes brain worms:** P ET R GCAN KEYSMA SGH????!

**might makes brain worms:** WH O TAUGHTHER THAY!!

**Starfire⭐🔥:** i am not sure what that means, i dropped my phone because i was trying to eat some

**Starfire⭐🔥:** mo

**Starfire⭐🔥:** re cheesey bread

**Dimitri:** How much cheesey bread is still left?

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** the one (1) time dimitri participates in chat and what do you know it’s for cheese

**Dimitri:** I love cheese.

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** i know this and i love you

_ press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) changed Dimitri’s nickname to Dimcheesey. _

**Dimcheesey:** :-)

**Dadue:** Byleth and Mister Jeritza just arrived. They are singing together. It’s surprisingly enjoyable. 

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** oh shit i thought they both couldnt sing??

**Dadue:** I never said they could.

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** gimme a minute i have to put pants on

_ \- друг read ✓ 12:52 AM _

**MISTER MEATY:**** @bob ross milo thatch slash fic **Can You Draw Petra As Peter Griffin Family Guy That Would Be Funny

**bob ross milo thatch slash fic:** raph

**bob ross milo thatch slash fic:** you could not pay me

**bob ross milo thatch slash fic:** to commit that sort of atrocity

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** raphael i will come out there and THROTTLE U with my whole pussy out

**🅱️ilda:** please omg

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** Will all of you binches funk off please, I am trying to see where **@Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl) @The Fighter @bernieevee ;w; @друг **are and you’re spamming. Hubert is lurking per usual, saying nothing, which fills me with alarming dread, and I KNOW Edelgard doesn’t backread. 

**mari**: bernie has the chat muted, lorenz… it makes her nervous

**The Fighter:** Um?

**The Fighter:** I literally never left the party?

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** Is Hubert with you, then?

**The Fighter:** No, I wanted him to spend some time with Ferdinand.

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** SKSKSKSKS

**🅱️ilda:** and i…

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** oop

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** well if I oop, and YOU oop… 👀

**🅱️ilda:** then WHOS flying the place????

**🅱️ilda:** ***plane

**Do Not Disturb🌙:** i have like three billion unread msgs why are they THIS

**Stop naming me DILF Fucker:** retweet

** Momcedes❤️:** Wait… Then, where is Edelgard? I haven’t seen her for at least an hour…

**フェリックス:** hey this is sylvain my phones dead af srry lmao

**A Friend And Boy:** thanks for taking care of him buddy!

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** king

**フェリックス:** 😤😫😫 i do my best

**A Friend And Boy:** actually i was thanking felix :P

**might makes brain worms:** GOT EEM

**Momcedes❤️:** But Felix is so temperature-sensitive…

**フェリックス:** hes got my big jacket on

**Momcedes❤️:** The denim one with the fur collar?

**フェリックス:** ye

**Momcedes❤️:** Oh he’s fine then💙

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Hello everyone! Apologies for not answering sooner, my phone was out of battery as well!

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** I am charging it now!

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** Where

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Hubert’s car!

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** 👀👀

**🅱️ilda:** 👀👀

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**: E

**🅱️ilda**: and i… E 👀👀👀

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP PLEASE.

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** This is Hubert. I am driving, so Ferdinand is transcribing for me. We are taking Bernadetta home. She is fine. I purchased her a milkshake from Five Guys.

**mari:** ferdinand or hubert, please tell bernadetta to call/text me when she gets home!

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** She has been informed!

**mari**: thank u!!!

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Ladies, I am exposing Hubert! He does not like chocolate milkshakes - He didn’t even want a sip of mine when I offered!

**might makes brain worms:** HUBER IS DUNB

**might makes brain worms:** HUBERT DUBERT

_ \- 7 people reacted _😆

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** im DEAD

**Starfire⭐🔥:** oh no! My Dorothea!

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** omg ur so cute

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** quick come save me come to hildas room

**Starfire⭐🔥:** okay!

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** **@Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl)** are you coming back over after??

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Probably!

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️**: HHHH Ferdie I expect a text from you every hour on the hour that you are not with me.

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Okay! 💕

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edelgard and Hubert's nicknames are based on this meme  

>
>> we interrupt your regularly scheduled edelbert screaming to bring you. an artisanal méme [#dovedoodles](https://twitter.com/hashtag/dovedoodles?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw) [pic.twitter.com/rFQ7d64SrQ](https://t.co/rFQ7d64SrQ)
>> 
>> — minister of imperial pussy eating (@marquisvestra) [November 9, 2019](https://twitter.com/marquisvestra/status/1193081261465559040?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)


	9. i jizzed in the guac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no guacamole appears in the chapter. sorry. also this chapter ended up very long because hubert and ferdinand don't just shut the fuck up
> 
> also sorry this took so long
> 
> also, i love hubert if you cant tell

Hubert has never been a huge fan of theatre. He’s not sure why he’s tolerating Ferdinand belting “Rum Tum Tugger” right beside him. Well, that’s a lie. He knows why. 

It’s_ only _ because Bernadetta thinks it’s funny, giggling quietly in the back. Definitely no other reason. 

“Your lovely voice is wasted on this ridiculous song,” Hubert mutters, betraying himself. 

Ferdinand only stops singing during the instrumental break. He crosses his arms and scoffs. “Cats is a good musical! If not for the songs, for the dancing, the costumes, the… Oh, Hubert, you don’t understand anything!”

Hubert laughs in spite of himself. “Right, my apologies, Ferdinand. I understand so little.” He keeps his left hand on the wheel, relaxing against his seat and wrapping his right arm around the back of Ferdinand’s. His fingertips just barely ghost over Ferdinand’s right shoulder. He can see Ferdinand’s face burning red from his peripheral. Hubert’s hand tightens around the wheel until he notices Ferdinand scoot just a bit closer to him, toward the edge of the passenger seat. Hubert smirks. 

They pull up to a stoplight, and Hubert looks at Bernadetta through his rearview mirror. “Your food might get cold if you don’t touch it.”

Bernadetta blinks, pulling her brown paper bag into her lap. “I-I thought you didn’t like people eating in your car, Hubert…”

Hubert drums his fingers against Ferdinand’s shoulder, and he feels him twitch. “Well, it’s a special night, isn’t it? You’re a graduate now.” He hears Bernadetta hum in satisfaction when she unwraps her burger and starts chowin’ down. 

Ferdinand clears his throat before speaking, and then lets out an unsteady laugh. “Hubert… I’m not sure I’ve ever said this, but… You are unexpectedly kind!”

Hubert chuckles, merging into a turning lane. “What can I say? I like irony.”

“Ha, it must be! After all, someone like you went and…!” Ferdinand quickly shoves the straw of his milkshake in his mouth and sips loudly. 

Hubert raises an eyebrow. “Are you… going to continue that sentence?” he asks, his voice dipping low enough to make Ferdinand nearly drop his shake. 

“No…!” he protests, voice cracking. “I am not!” 

Hubert laughs much louder this time, earning a squeak of surprise from Bernadetta. 

Ferdinand clears his throat and squeezes his shoulders closer together, averting his eyes to the dashboard and keeping them locked there with all his might. Goddess, why does Hubert still have his arm wrapped around the back of his seat? It’s probably just to relax, as the night has been long! That’s all. It’s not as if Hubert simply wanted to have his arm around Ferdinand. No, that would be ridiculous. Hubert has more important things to think about, calculate, mull over… This is probably a driving habit of his. He’s used to this seat being empty. Yes. 

Ugh… Hubert would kill him for bringing up the scandalous revelation from the “Never Have I Ever” game. Ferdinand imagines himself skewered, or his head mounted above Hubert’s mantle. He shudders. But…! He can’t stop thinking - Hubert, the Nevernude, the man who goes to the beach in summer, clad in a full, black wetsuit and water shoes, who had to take up surfing only so he’d be able to easily explain _ why _ he was covered head to toe in sweltering heat - Has had sex with _ three _ different people already, one of which was the leader of a rival class…! Ferdinand has never even thought about doing something like that… is he behind? Is he… really so… _ vanilla_, as Dorothea had told him before? He’d never imagined Hubert getting into a situation like that. 

Oh, but now… He’s imagining. 

Hubert, tugging at his shirt collar while he unfastens the top buttons, teeth tugging at his bottom lip, eyes boring straight through Ferdinand’s own clothing-

Ferdinand disguises his mortified squeal with a coughing fit, feigning that he choked on his milkshake. 

“Careful, you fool,” Hubert chides, and pats his shoulder. 

Ferdiand does not think that helped at all. 

Ferdinand is still <strike>gayly panicking</strike> stewing in his thoughts until Bernadetta’s mousy voice snaps him out of it. 

“Thank you for taking me home, Hubert.”

Ah. They’ve arrived. Hubert shifts the car into park in front of Bernadetta’s, Dorothea’s, and Petra’s shared apartment. He turns to nod at Bernadetta, and assures her it was no problem. 

“And thank you for coming, too, Ferdie,” Bernadetta thanks him, and Ferdinand smiles brightly. 

“As Hubert said, it was no problem!” Ferdinand answers, after clearing his throat. “I’ll be seeing more of you, anyhow! Don’t think I won’t drive back down to crochet with you!”

Bernadetta giggles. “That’s right, you haven’t finished that hat… I’ll look forward to it.”

She hugs the both of them as best she can from behind their seats, and scoops her bag of food into her arms before exiting the car. Hubert doesn’t start driving again until he sees Bernadetta’s bedroom light turn on from her window. 

“Such a gentleman,” Ferdinand comments, leaning back in his seat. He’s relieved now that Hubert has moved both hands to the steering wheel again, where they can’t torment him. 

“Of course I’d drive Bernadetta home from a party she wasn’t enjoying,” Hubert replies.

“Hmm… You really weren’t playing Seven Minutes in Heaven, then…” Ferdinand muses. He peeks at his phone, where there are several notifications from Lorenz and the groupchat. It pings again as another arrives, from Lorenz again.

Hubert scoffs. “Honestly, you must be a dunce to think I’d…” Another ping. “Ahem. That I’d do something of that nature with her.” Hubert pauses at a stop sign on an empty residential street. 

“But you’re just so sweet to her,” Ferdinand insists. “And you bought her food! You really don’t feel anything romantic toward her?” 

Hubert shakes his head. “No. I don’t.”

Ferdinand laughs, but there’s a bitter taste in his mouth. “Hmm. You must not like me very much at all, then…” He sighs. “I was hoping that driving me around, too, and getting me a milkshake meant you were fond of me by extension!” He bites his lip, and turns his head toward the window. Fond?! Ferdinand, you know _ nothing _ of subtlety…! Lorenz texts him again, allowing him a momentary distraction, but Hubert surprises him by snatching the phone and muting it. 

“I get _ one _ moment alone with you and this cretin decides to nose his way in...” Hubert grumbles. 

Ferdinand blinks, letting Hubert drop his phone into his upturned palm. Ferdinand lets the phone drop to the floor of Hubert’s car.

Hubert parks on the street. Ferdinand recognizes this neighborhood - it’s Hubert’s.

The man in question turns toward him, uncovered eye gleaming under the streetlamp lights. “Bernadetta is a lovely girl,” he murmurs, and reaches up with one gloved hand to brush some stray locks away from Ferdinand’s brows. “But I find I prefer longer, golden hair and bright eyes.” He chuckles, low in his chest, and flashes his teeth in a serpentine smile. “And isn’t that a lovely irony, as well, Ferdie?”

Who _ is _ subtlety, really? Ferdinand has never met her, but she sure sounds like a bitch. 

He feels his face flush with the heat of a desert, and he certainly must look sunburned. He clasps his hands to his face, not even daring to peer between his fingers at Hubert. “Hubert!” he wails. “You are cruel! You are cruel to tease me!”

Hubert blinks at him, for once in complete bewilderment. He pauses, allowing Ferdinand to catch his breath and gain enough confidence to glare at him over his hands. 

“Am I... cruel?” he repeats the word slowly. “Is that how you perceive my behavior toward you? Am I truly cruel to you, Ferdinand?”

Why is Hubert’s gaze flitting, faltering like that? What could he be calculating at a time like this? Ferdinand squirms in his seat. 

“Y-You toy with my emotions!” Ferdinand blurts, his heart shoving his brain aside and diving into his mouth to move his lips. “It’s all terribly confusing! You look at me, and you murmur with such a poisonous tone, and yet, the words you speak are…!” He shuts his eyes and yanks at his hair. “E-extravagant..! Enchanting...!”

Hubert pulls Ferdinand’s hands away by the wrists, firmly but carefully, and then cups Ferdinand’s face in his gloved hands. Ferdinand can’t draw himself away from Hubert’s gaze. 

“Were I to say I find you radiant…” Hubert murmurs, “That your sunny demeanor drives my shadowy heart to feel insatiable hunger… What would be your thoughts…?”

“M-my thoughts…!” Ferdinand stammers, breathless. “They… They would be mushed to nothing! I can’t possibly think straight, not with you…! This close to me…!”

Time slows down just to torment Ferdinand as he watches Hubert draw in a breath before speaking again. 

“I see…”

Hubert leans his head in closer, his lips brushing against Ferdinand’s as he murmurs, “You and I suffer the same conundrum.”

“Hubert…! Please…!” Ferdinand whimpers, and he fears his eyes must be watery. “I-I cannot handle this closeness if you don’t intend to…! To…!”

Tenderly, Hubert kisses Ferdinand. 

Ferdinand’s breath disappears from him as he wraps his arms around Hubert, clutching at his shirt collar, desperate not to float away into the night and discover this was a fantasy. 

Hubert, in all of his realness, pulls away and stares intently at him. “I was under the impression that I had been considerably obvious about my feelings, Ferdinand…”

Ferdinand whines, grasping at Hubert’s shirt with added frustration. “You…! Oh, Goddess, you were…!” He lowers his head, shamefully leaning against Hubert’s shoulder. “I just worried that I was reading into things too much… and projecting…”

Ferdinand can feel Hubert’s chuckle rumble in his shoulders and chest. “Dense little Ferdie,” he croons, caressing his hair. “You instead must catch up on your reading.”

Ferdinand smiles. “M-may I start, perhaps, by reading your lips once more…?” And maybe he bats his lashes at Hubert, just a little, just to get him to raise his brows in intrigue. 

“By all means,” Hubert murmurs, and Ferdinand kisses him sweetly. 

Hubert’s covered fingers tangle in Ferdinand’s hair to pull him, gingerly, closer, as both their lips move slowly against one another’s. Hubert can’t help but smile just a little - Ferdinand kisses like a fairy. So sweet, so gentle, so shy. So different than his usually boisterous self. He wonders how he might test how far he can push until Ferdinand’s kisses become… well… naughtier. 

He slides his hands carefully down Ferdinand’s neck, letting his fingers race over Ferdinand’s strong shoulders and chest, down the cute buttons of his blouse, down to his lovely waist, dipping his fingertips into the brim of his pants and earning himself a shuddering sigh from the other man. Oh, Ferdinand could get him drunk right now - but how unfortunate that would be! Hubert wouldn’t be able to drive. 

He separates his lips from Ferdinand’s only to whisper, “May I take you home with me… Ferdie…?” He tugs a lock of Ferdinand’s hair between his fingertips and kisses it delicately. “Remaining in this car with you would be… Ungentlemanlike…” 

Ferdinand swallows, and Hubert watches his throat as he does it. .”Hubert… You’re looking at me with such a hunger…” He shivers. “You may take me!” he proclaims, a little too quickly. He tries to catch himself. “T-to your home…! I…! I admit… I am quite curious…”

Hubert’s hand dashes to his gear shift as he thrusts the car into drive again. “I won’t keep you wondering for long,” he promises, speeding down the empty street to his own apartment. 

Neither of them remember exactly when they reached Hubert’s lot, nor when or how Hubert unlocked the door to his unit. All they can remember are their lips smashing, uncoordinated, against each other, as they roll across the walls of Hubert’s apartment and rake their fingers across their skin, the drywall, their clothes, the furniture. 

Hubert helps Ferdinand out of his stylish jacket, tossing it aside and onto the hallway floor. They keep kissing, stumbling their way to Hubert’s bedroom. Ferdinand ends up tossed onto the mattress, on his back, staring up at Hubert as he removes his gloves. 

Oh, good Goddess, Hubert is taking off his gloves. 

His fingers are pale, bony, roughened from deeds Ferdinand doesn’t dare think about. Calloused at the palms and knuckles, veins prominent on the back of his hand. To Ferdinand, for some inexplicable reason, they look divine. 

Ferdinand shudders and whines when Hubert’s cold fingers caress his jaw, trailing down his neck to remove his shirt. Ferdinand swallows, and Hubert cups his cheek to smile at him in pure adoration. 

“You lovely thing…” he murmurs, “You’re more docile than I expected you to be…”

Ferdinand can only shudder in response. “Your hands are… Wonderful… Th-though they’re very cold…”

Hubert chuckles. “I’m sorry, Ferdie. I have bad circulation.” 

Ferdinand smiles bravely. “Then, allow me to warm you up properly.”

Hubert kisses his nose. “You most definitely will.”

Ferdinand feels awfully vulnerable, lying on Hubert’s bed, only clad in his ever-tightening briefs as Hubert meanders around his room. The man hums contentedly as he unbuttons the upper part of his shirt, opening it up to show the beginnings of his pale chest. He reaches into the top drawer of his nightstand, and pulls out a pair of black, leather gloves. Just after taking his previous ones off. 

Ferdinand swallows. It would be absurdly funny if it didn’t set his loins ablaze. 

Hubert tugs them onto each hand, smirking at Ferdinand as he wriggles his fingers to fit them snugly into the gloves. “Is something the matter?” he asks darkly. 

Ferdinand shakes his head. 

Hubert approaches the bed, leaning onto it with a knee on the mattress at Ferdinand’s hip, placing a hand gently on his waist. He holds himself up with his spare hand, pressed into the bed right by Ferdinand’s head. “Ferdie, will you promise me something?”

“Yes,” Ferdinand whispers, “Anything.”

Hubert moves the hand from Ferdinand’s waist to take one of his, and brings it up so he can kiss Ferdinand’s knuckles. “If I do something you don’t like, and you want me to stop, slap the headboard three times with your open palm.” 

“Mmhm,” Ferdinand hums with an apprehensive but still eager nod. 

They meet each other with another kiss as Hubert grinds himself down onto Ferdinand’s developing hard-on. Ferdinand gasps and whimpers into Hubert’s mouth, wrapping his arms around Hubert’s neck and holding him desperately. He feels Hubert’s lips vibrate against his own as he chuckles, and then whispers to him, “Turn over for me, darling,” and my, does that send a bolt of pleasure shooting down Ferdinand’s spine. 

He complies, rolling over onto his hands and knees, letting Hubert brush his hair over his shoulder to keep it from draping over his face. 

“Beautiful, Ferdie,” Hubert croons, pressing a gloved hand between Ferdinand’s shoulderblades, pushing his chest down against the mattress to keep his hips and ass raised to the sky. “Do you know how often I’d stare at you?” He trails one fingertip up Ferdinand’s spine, feeling him tremble, and then hooks it into the brim of his underwear to tug lightly at it. “How often I’d imagine your lovely form underneath of me?”

Ferdinand whimpers at the top of his throat, clutching at the sheets as Hubert drags his underwear down his thighs, praising him with that detestably attractive voice. His eyes grow wide when the chill of the air hits his flushed member, after Hubert pulled his undergarment all the way down to lay pathetically around one of his ankles. 

The leather of Hubert’s glove kisses Ferdinand’s inner thighs as Hubert caresses him there, coaxing his muscular legs apart as he whispers against Ferdinand’s skin for permission to touch where he’s never felt another’s touch before. Ferdinand obeys easily, spreading his legs for Hubert, the man he’s wanted, the only man he’s wanted for so long, the man he will finally have tonight. Ferdinand keens as Hubert wraps his hand around his cock and strokes him slowly, the leather against his sensitive skin sending all kinds of electricity through him.

“H-Hubert…! Oh my- Nngh…!” 

Hubert chuckles. “You poor thing. I’m going to break you.” 

Ferdinand’s cock dribbles shamefully onto Hubert’s sheets. 

Hubert raises his brows. “My, my…”

“P-please…! Just be quiet a-and fuck me…!” 

Hubert ghosts his spare hand over Ferdinand’s supple ass. “Is that how you’re going to speak to me, Ferdie?” he murmurs darkly, before raising his palm and bringing it back down onto Ferdinand’s round cheek with a loud slap. 

Ferdinand arches his back whoreishly, the spanking sending a shudder from his head to the very tips of his toes. Oh Goddess. He really won’t survive this night. Hubert spanks him again, and he moans, shaking his ass piteously. 

“Hubert…! Hubert, please…!” 

A small amount of satisfaction swells in Ferdinand’s chest when he hears Hubert suck in a hissing breath. “Patience,” he mutters, half to himself, his face painted with arousal right down to his smirk. He pours a fairly generous amount of lube over the cleft of Ferdinand’s ass, smearing it over his entrance with his thumb, chuckling as Ferdinand’s legs jolt. 

Ferdinand soon finds himself with Hubert’s cold, gloved fingers stretching him open, gingerly, as his legs tremble and he digs his knees into the mattress. 

“Haah..! Haahn…! Hubert…!” 

Hubert kisses a path up the back of Ferdinand’s thighs, and finishes off with a sharp bite to one of Ferdinand’s gorgeous cheeks. 

Ferdinand tightens around his digits so sweetly. Hubert stifles a groan as he imagines how it will feel around his cock instead. 

“Hubert…!” Ferdinand whines, “Please, let me touch you in return…!” he pleads. 

Hubert gently draws his fingers from Ferdinand. “Since you asked so nicely…” He sits back, and grabs Ferdinand’s hips to pull him overtop of his legs. He lets Ferdinand straddle his chest, ass hovering over Hubert’s face as Ferdinand’s face hovers right over the tent in Hubert’s pants. 

It’s pointedly more difficult for Ferdinand to fumble with Hubert’s belt and untuck his shirt when Hubert is drawing a line up his shaft _ all _ the way to his opening with his tongue. Ferdinand, wanting to return the favor, finally manages to pull Hubert’s member from his pants. 

Dear Sothis, it’s… big. 

Take that, Lorenz!

Ferdinand tries to imitate Hubert, licking slowly up the base of his cock, pressing the flat of his tongue against the head. He takes the base into his hand and then takes the head into his mouth, sucking gently. He feels one of Hubert’s hands caress up and down his thigh. 

“Ferdie, you are just sweet,” Hubert murmurs, and Ferdinand pouts a little at the teasing tone. He retorts by moving his mouth further down Hubert’s shaft, stroking the parts of him that he can’t quite fit into his mouth. He swallows and shudders when Hubert dips his gloved fingers back inside him, curling them. 

“Hmmngh…!” Ferdinand moans around Hubert’s cock, trying to keep himself steady, bobbing his head up and down. He smiles to himself when he’s able to draw a satisfied groan out of Hubert. 

Hubert bites his lip as he grins, still fingering Ferdinand’s ass steadily. “Ferdie,” he murmurs, “I’d love to dirty your pretty mouth, but I think I’d like to do something a little worse to you.” Hubert licks his lips complacently when Ferdie’s response is to shiver and whine. 

The two of them readjust themselves, Ferdinand laid carefully on his back, head perfectly on Hubert’s pillow, as Hubert kneels over him and kisses up his muscled body. 

“Hubert,” Ferdinand calls, lightly carding his fingers through Hubert’s wavy bangs. The man lifts his head up and kisses Ferdinand’s cheek, and it makes Ferdinand smile. He continues, “Why are you still dressed?”

Hubert shrugs. “I tend to remain clothed when I do everything. Save showering.”

Ferdinand puffs his cheeks a little, reaching up to unbutton Hubert’s shirt. “Well, I would like that to change, please.” 

The sound of Hubert’s laugh warms Ferdinand’s chest, flushing it and coloring him all the way up to his cheeks. 

“Demanding, are we?” Hubert kisses one of Ferdinand’s rounded cheeks. “You’re lucky you’re not turned over anymore.” He sits up on his knees, deftly opening up his shirt and slipping it off his arms. He takes the gloves off with it, also managing to slip out of his pants. 

Hubert’s torso isn’t nearly as toned as Ferdinand’s. His skin is pale. His legs are thinner than Ferdinand’s, which are notably strong from all the horseback riding. There’s a bit of softness around his stomach. Ferdinand’s face flushes hotter, if that’s even possible. 

Hubert notices Ferdinand’s wandering gaze, and he scratches his head, unused to being admired, let alone nude. “I… Promise you I’m perfectly average-looking, Ferdie,” he jokes.

Ferdinand stares up into his eyes. “You are fantastic, and I need you on top of me.”

Instead of teasing him more, Hubert obliges, pressing flush against Ferdinand and kissing his neck. 

When Hubert eases himself inside him, Ferdinand feels the most delightful shiver shoot up his spine. 

And when Hubert fucks him, Ferdinand’s vision all but fades to white. 

Hubert’s lips pressed to his ear, big, cold hands holding his thighs to his chest, bony hips slapping against Ferdinand’s ass and making it jiggle - Ferdinand can’t help but moan his heart out, clutching at Hubert’s bare back and his wavy locks, tickling his shoulder as Hubert moves. It’s easy for him to come undone, tangled up in Hubert, getting fucked into the mattress with praises whispered to him. 

“Ferdie,” Hubert whispers, “Such a good little pet.”

Well, that’s it. Ferdinand von Aegir is done for. 

He screams so loudly that he fears he might wake Hubert’s neighbors, or terrify his cat, before Hubert muffles him with another kiss. As Ferdinand trembles and convulses around Hubert’s cock, he lets out an involuntary moan into Ferdinand’s pretty mouth as he climaxes suddenly afterward. Ferdinand whimpers and paws at Hubert’s skin, helplessly overstimulated as Hubert drinks in his entire mouth and keeps pumping his cock into him to milk himself dry. 

Ferdinand wraps his arms, limply, around Hubert’s neck to cling to him when he feels the man break their kiss. His vision is blurry from the afterglow, but he can make out a smile gracing Hubert’s lips. A sigh drifts from him when Hubert brushes his bangs away from where sweat was sticking them to his forehead. Ferdinand feels weight shift from the bed as Hubert gets up, and returns momentarily to wipe him off with a wet rag. Then, Hubert’s lips press lightly to his lashes, and he moves off of Ferdinand to lie beside him. 

“You know,” Hubert says, seeing as Ferdinand is still slack-jawed and recovering, “I had intended to be far less gentle with you…” He reaches over to caress Ferdinand’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “But you’re too fun to spoil. What an inconvenient effect you have on me.” 

Ferdinand smiles, chuckling lightly, eyes still closed in bliss. “If that’s true, will you indulge me one more time…?” he asks sleepily. 

“And what would you have me do?” 

Ferdinand hums as he rolls over onto his side, curling up against Hubert. “Cuddle with me for awhile…”

Just as Hubert’s arms move to take Ferdinand into them, he pipes up again. 

“But first, could you grab my phone from your car, pretty please? Lorenz asked me to message him…”

Hubert rolls his eyes, but Ferdinand feels him get off the bed again with a grunt. 

“You are something else, Ferdie…” 

“The pavement?” Raphael asks, scratching his head dubiously. “Are you sure, Cas?”

“Yeah!” Caspar exclaims. “It’s soft!” He makes a show of getting on his hands and knees, and knocks on the asphalt of the parking lot with his knuckles. “See? It’s soft!”

Dimitri, now at least conscious enough to walk around, gets down on the ground beside Caspar. He slaps the ground with both hands. “It is, Raphael!”

Raphael shakes his head. “No, it really isn’t…” He crosses his arms. “I’m not gonna wrestle either of you unless it’s on the grass!”

Byleth, who Raph designated to referee, pipes up, “We’re not driving you to the ER again, Dimitri.”

“Fine, fine!” Caspar groans. “We’ll have the tournament in the yard!” 

By yard, he means the tiny square of grass outside the townhouse. But it’s certainly better than asphalt by far. 

Caspar, Raphael, and Dimitri position themselves in three out of the four corners of the square. Byleth stands in the other, hand up and poised to give the start signal. 

“Go, Raph! Fear the Deer!” Claude cheers, sitting on the doorstep with one arm around Hilda. He’s seated beside Edelgard, who waves at Byleth (They wave back) before turning to Claude. 

“Isn’t it a bit unfair if Caspar and Dimitri are both inebriated?” Edelgard remarks. 

“Maybe, but that was their mistake,” Claude replies with a wink. 

Edelgard laughs. 

Hilda raises her eyebrows, leaning against Claude a bit to look at Edelgard with intrigue. “Wow, Edelgard! No offense, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh before. It’s so cute!”

Edelgard smiles lightheartedly. “Aw, that’s sweet of you. But tonight’s a celebration. What reason isn’t there to do something unexpected?” 

Hilda sighs. “Wow, you even excel at being in a good mood…” She shakes her head. “I could never.” 

With a hearty battle cry from all three wrestlers, they charge into the center of the yard and start grappling with each other. Caspar, though beefy, cannot keep Raph from tucking him under his arm like a textbook and swinging him around to try and bowl over the stumbling Dimitri. Felix and Sylvain, having returned earlier to charge their phones, come back outside to see the tournament. Felix insists on joining in, claiming he wants to beat the shit out of Dimitri - and he throws himself at the other man, knocking them both to the grass. 

Raphael heaves Caspar onto the two of them, and then leaps on top as all three of them shriek in fear. Leonie notices this whole affair and shouts, “DOGPILE!” while launching herself on top of Raphael to crush them further. 

Dimitri is barely able to escape the fray, and he owes it to Leonie for grabbing Felix by the torso and flipping him. He crawls onto the sidewalk for sanctuary, and is met with a hand held before his face. He looks up to see Edelgard smiling at him. 

He puffs out a sigh of relief, slapping his hand into hers and letting her pull him to his feet again. 

“Are you okay?” Edelgard teases, brushing some dust and grass off of his shirt. 

“I’m alive!” he replies, a big, goofy grin stretched across his face. 

Edelgard can’t help but laugh again. 

Dimitri takes her hand again, this time in both of his, eyes lighting up. “Hey, I forgot to say! Congratulations on getting in your first choice school!”

“You too, Dimitri. You should be proud.” She places her other hand over both of his and squeezes. 

Dimitri’s smile remains on his face for a few moments longer before he suddenly pulls Edelgard in, wrapping his arms tightly around her, and squeezes. He presses his face into Edelgard’s hair. 

“Dimitri…?” 

He sighs. “I’m gonna miss seeing you at school all the time, El…”

Edelgard feels a tug at her heart. “Hey, don’t say that…”

“I can’t help it,” Dimitri protests, squeezing her tighter. “It’s gonna be like when Uncle Arundel made you move away, when we were kids… And I didn’t get to see you for such a long time…” He places a hand at the back of Edelgard’s head. “I missed you every day, you know…”

Edelgard rubs his back up and down. “I know… I know.” She blinks as she remembers something and reaches into her pocket, pulling out her phone. “Hey, Dimitri, look at this.” The man hesitates to pull away but he does so, watching over Edelgard’s shoulder as she opens up her photo gallery. She smiles as she holds the phone up to him. 

There’s a photo of Edelgard with her hair tied up in athletic ponytail, standing beside a target that’s been struck in the bullseye with a thrown dagger. The dagger has an ornate, blue hilt. 

Edelgard’s heart warms immensely when Dimitri gasps, his eyes filling with wonder as he stares at the screen. 

“I promise, Dimitri, we’ll keep in touch,” Edelgard reassures him. “After all, our universities are only an hour apart.”

The worry has faded from Dimitri’s eyes, and he smiles brightly at her again. 

“You wanna wrestle?”

Edelgard takes a gander at the mess in the yard, as Raph swings Leonie around by the arms while Caspar and Felix dive to the ground to dodge her flailing legs. 

“Sure, why not?” 

Dimitri charges toward the crowd with Edelgard riding piggyback, both of them shouting a loud battle cry. 

**[ALWAYS KIDDING unless ur down ;))))]**

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl): **LORI

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl): **LORI YOU WERE SO WRONG!!!!

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl): **IT WAS BIG!!! I TOLD YOU IT WAS BIG!!!

**🅱️ilda: **oh henny this aint a DM

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **F

**might makes brain worms: **F

**🅱️ilda: **FFFF

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl): **Hm. I have made a mistake. 

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **F

**A Friend And Boy: **oh my god big oof yikes F

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: @друг **Hubert Von Vestra. I have no choice now but to strike you down. Come back to this party to face your destiny. 

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** lorenz let him fuck

**🅱️ilda:** hes just trying to get a sliver of fussy!!! ferdinand pussy…!!!! just a slice!

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** a morsel!

**フェリックス: **i’m gonna fucking yak you guys are HORRENDOUS

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **SPARE COOCHIE, FERDINAND????? 

**🎵stream box song!!!: **Oh no, Sylvain’s phone is alive :(

**🅱️ilda: ***licking up scraps from the floor* pwease… fewdidnand… im so hungeee…. spawe coochies????

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **i am starved, my skin sagging where my limbs are but bones…

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **my ribs jut like ribs… im empty…...

**フェリックス: **stop

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **i drag my decrepit body across the ground… my nails marred and blooded from clawing desperately, so desperately!

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **i try to swallow but my throat is dry, i gasp for breath but my lungs twitch and wheeze, weak and withering

**🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!: **yall are disgusting please die

_ -フェリックス liked this message. _

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** i weep, tearlessly,,

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **i open my starved mouth as the plea falls from my cracked lips

**🅱️ilda: **Can I get uhhhhh COOTER

_ \- 2 people reacted _😆

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **AAAAAA c O O T E R

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **FUCKING EW I HATE THIS

**フェリックス: **THEN WHY DID YOU ENCOURAGE IT

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: @друг **Ignore these buffoons and answer my challenge. 

**друг: **lol.

**друг: **No.

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **hubie saying lol hits different.

**друг**: Я скоро вернусь.

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;)**: this mans vibes r fuckin putrid

**друг**: сука блять

**друг**: китти печь книжной полке приливной волны

**друг**: ...

**друг** : [](https://imgbb.com/)

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **ye ur a fuckin freakazoid

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** [](https://imgbb.com/) Hand Over The Vibes Now

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) :** [](https://imgbb.com/)

**🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!:** i am BEGGING yall to die

**друг**: Ì̶̢̜͙͚̜̼͍̞̼̙͕̅͗̀̊̉̋̐̇͑̎̚ ̷̨̩̞̙̖̙͙̞̿͂̈̓͌̽̄̂̈́̊̈́̆̚͘l̸̼̱̓e̶͍͙͚̜̯͌͒͑̌̄̓̈́̍͋f̴͉͈̼̓̂̌t̷̢̠̰̣̣̙͙̱̟̃͑̈̑̔ ̵̨̪̞̱̻͉̘̤̀͗̓̂̈̾̔͘ṁ̶̛̤̼͍̭̭̦͍̳̪̹͉̈͐̐̌͌̑̀̋͜ỷ̶̳͕͍͍̑͗̆̌̈̂̄̐͌͊̂̑ͅ ̷̢̧̧̢̦͈̼̦̥̙͙̮̱͚̖̿̇͐͂̏͛̔̇̋̆̾͋j̵͍̮̙̥̟̦̦͖̾͒̐̔̋̔́͑͜͝ą̴̥̻̞̤̖̤̙̦̙͐̆̊̋̑̈̓̋̒͠ͅc̸̡̫͔̰͓̣͕̩̣̎͑̈́͗k̴̛̻̣͓͎̻̱̇̏͋̅̈̔͆̾͐͛̓̚ę̴̧̝͉̭̭̰̟͙͍͉̰̰̈́̄͒t̴͔͔͍͐ ̵̨̧̤͙̗̝̰̲͈̼͈̰͍͗͑̐̇͂́̈͛͠͝i̷͕̩͔͔̤͍͌̔̓̕ͅņ̷̛̻̼͍̤͎͍̋̇̈́̔̂͒̍̚͘̚ͅ ̴̢̗̺͂̂͊̏͋̊͌͛̓̎̋̆̽͜͝Ç̷͓͚̯̰͖͖͙͕͓̹̱͙͕̿͊͆̂̆̋̑͆͊̚̚͝͠͝ḻ̵̨͚̭̪͕̤͉̩̙̼̣̞͆̓̿̓͆͒̐͌͌̉̕͜͝͠͝ą̴͎̥͖̉̾̃̋͂̊̓̃́͌̂̉͑̄u̵͉̖͍̤̼̼̰̭̣͑́̾͑̀̅̒̿̎̒̽̋͝ḑ̷̢̳͔͖̩̮͍̰̮͍̆̉̓̀͜e̶̡̠͈͎̺̩̒͗͑̊̉̔͆̈́̀͝'̶͓̋̑̃̾͠s̸̪̻̲̓ ̶̧̻̦̰̬̲̤̈́̊̊̿͂͊͘c̵̨̙̯̲̻̟̠̤͚̟̱̮̲̽̈́̆͆͂̈́̒͘͝ͅl̸̢̦͉͕̘͇͓̬͈̲̹͉̺̝̗̈͑͒̂̑̋̔̈́͑̓ợ̴̧̡̻̬͖̮̺̼̲͖̬̆͂̔s̵̭̣̖͛̈́̍́̋̌͂̽̕ͅe̷̛̤͋̈̋̒̂̽́̆̄͘͠͠t̵̻͇͎͖̰̪̻̲͉̰̺̱̮̮͐̉̀̅̚͝.̸̩̄̌̓͋͗̌͝͠

**Stop naming me DILF Fucker: **what the FUCK is this? Why is he in chat rn?? Hes NEVER in chat?

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **shhhh leonie this is fucking great

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : ** [](https://imgbb.com/) pubert

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** I would like all of you to know that Hubert is laughing and it is incredibly attractive.

**🅱️ilda:** hubert dubert’s laugh? i heard it its unsettling af

**might makes brain worms**: HUBER DUBER LAUGH LIKE GOOBER

_\- 7 people reacted _😆

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) :** CAS CJCJNDND

**she doesnt have the range, darling: ** hubie? a sense of humor? worm??

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Hubert’s laugh IS unsettling, but I find it adds to his charms.

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️:** My dear Ferdie... Your taste in men is questionable at best...

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** hubie’s kinda sexy lorenz

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** he cant help it he has pea brain

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** memewhile me, dorothea, lin, and now ferdie have SUCH HUGE brains and HUGER MEAT for admitting the truth

**The Fighter: @друг** You don’t have to pick me up, I’m going home with Byleth.

**друг: **

**The Fighter:** And I also agree Hubert is both attractive and funny

**друг:** [](https://imgbb.com/)

_ ⁃ press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) changed the group chat name to Real Loving Hubert Hours - _

**Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl):** Hubert has put down his phone down but please know that he smiled at the chat name 😍

**she doesnt have the range, darling:** hubie 🥺

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAT GUIDE AGAIN IF NEEDED  
Claude - press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
Hilda - 🅱️ilda   
Marianne - mari  
Lysithea - 🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!  
Lorenz - ☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️  
Raphael - MISTER MEATY  
Ignatz - bob ross milo thatch slash fic  
Leonie - Stop naming me DILF Fucker
> 
> Dimitri - Dimcheesey  
Dedue - Dadue  
Felix - フェリックス  
Sylvain - haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;)  
Ashe - A Friend And Boy  
Mercedes - Momcedes❤️  
Annette - 🎵stream box song!!!   
Ingrid - Men Don’t Interact
> 
> Edelgard - The Fighter  
Hubert - друг  
Ferdinand - Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl)  
Dorothea - she doesnt have the range, darling  
Caspar - might makes brain worms  
Linhardt - Do Not Disturb🌙  
Petra - Starfire⭐🔥  
Bernadetta - bernieevee ;w;


	10. tenderize the beefsteak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dimidue tenderize some meat and make me type the letter D more times than I ever have before

Edelgard and Byleth are sitting on the hood of Byleth’s car, reclining against the windshield and looking up at the sky. They’re laughing and joking easily together, talking about their classmates, talking about the year.

“You seemed like you were having fun,” Byleth remarks. “Are you sure you wanna leave already?”

Edelgard nods. “Yes. I…” She clears her throat. “I felt like spending some time with you.”

Byleth smiles.

Edelgard tries to hide her blush behind her hair as a breeze stirs it up. “So… I told you where I got accepted to, right?”

“Oh, you did!” Byleth’s eyes light up, and Edelgard is happy to see them excited (a wonderful rarity). “The same place where I’m doing my grad program. You’re living on campus, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I’m moving in early since I got accepted into the Honors program.”

Byleth’s smile warms. “Of course you did.”

Edelgard fights the urge to turn away, letting herself be enraptured in their earnest eyes. 

“I can help you move in, if you want,” Byleth offers. “It’ll be great to keep seeing each other. I hope we’ll hang out together a lot.”

Edelgard scoffs a little, but it’s playful. “As if I wouldn’t spend time with you at university. I just hope I don’t get in the way of your  _ graduate  _ friends…”

Byleth laughs. “Edelgard, you’re smarter than most people I’ve ever met, let alone my uni friends.” They place their hand over Edelgard’s, and it’s warm in contrast to the cold hood of the car. “They’ll love you.”

Edelgard can’t help herself. She squeezes Byleth’s hand. They’re too cute. 

Something shines in Byleth’s eyes when they feel Edelgard holding their hand like that. 

“So… should we head to my place, then?” Byleth asks. 

“I’d adore that.”

“You are lucky you didn’t wear anything nice to this party,” Dedue is chiding a grass-stained and dirt-smeared Dimitri. 

“I never wear anything nice,” Dimitri reminds him, and Dedue can’t help but chuckle. 

“Regardless, you can’t just wear this for the rest of the night.” Dedue starts ushering Dimitri back into the house, and Dimitri doesn’t fight him. Passing through their partying and dancing peers, they make their way to the upstairs bathroom that’s situated near the washer and dryer. Conveniently enough, both machines are empty. Sitting on top of them is a Tide Pod tub labelled “Snacks.”

Dedue opens up the bathroom door. “Okay. Get in there.”

Dimitri obeys, and his bare arm soon emerges from the cracked-open door with his dirty clothes in it. 

Just as Dedue moves to take them, Dimitri shoves the pile against Dedue’s chest and smears it. 

Dedue chokes on his spit a little as he gasps, and watches Dimitri’s smiling face poke out of the door as well. 

“Oh, my mistake, Dedue,” he apologizes, but that devious smile betrays him. “I guess you’ll have to wash your shirt with all of this, too.”

Dedue stares at him, open-mouthed, holding the mound of clothes. 

Dimitri’s face suddenly falls, and his eyes go wide with concern. “Oh… I… I’m sorry, I was just-”

Dedue drops the clothes onto the floor to grab Dimitri’s face and kiss him. 

“I’ll be there in a second,” Dedue murmurs when he pulls away, and Dimitri grins giddily as he disappears to turn the shower on. Dedue ditches his own shirt and loads the laundry, slipping out of his pants and underwear once he’s locked the bathroom door behind him. 

When he enters the shower, Dimitri’s gorgeously muscled body is glistening under the water droplets, flushed from the heat.

Dedue smiles and picks up a bottle of strawberry-scented shampoo(definitely Hilda’s), beckoning Dimitri. 

Dimitri doesn’t have to move much to get to him, as the bathtub itself isn’t huge, and they  _ are _ both huge. But that’s fine, it just means they have to stay close together. Dimitri lets out a long sigh as Dedue starts massaging his scalp with the sweet-smelling shampoo, running his hands through his long hair to clean all the dirt away, and to caress it with the utmost affection. 

Dedue lays a small kiss on Dimitri’s shoulder, and Dimitri responds by bringing his hand up behind him to touch the side of Dedue’s face. Dedue leans into the touch, rinsing Dimitri’s hair off so he can wrap his arms around his waist and pull him close. Dimitri turns around so he can face Dedue, smiling tenderly up at him before kissing his neck and laying his head against his chest. 

They hold each other for a little while, letting the warm shower run quietly over the two of them. Dedue lovingly washes Dimitri’s body, getting the last remnants of dirt off of him. 

Dimitri eventually moves his hands up to meet Dedue’s wrists, and slides his doting hands down until they’re cupping his ass.

Dedue’s face flushes deep red against his lovely skin, and Dimitri smiles. 

“You almost distracted me with the nice headscratches,” Dimitri teases, “But I brought you in here with me for a reason.”

When Dimitri stretches up to kiss him, Dedue melts, clutching his ass and biting Dimitri’s lip as the two of them moan against each other’s wet skin. Dedue presses Dimitri up against the tiled wall, kissing and sucking reverently at his neck and collarbones as he dips a hand between Dimitri’s thighs to stroke his hardened length. Dimitri reciprocates by tangling his fingers in Dedue’s white hair and trailing them up and down his muscled back to make him shudder and sigh. 

“You played me,” Dedue murmurs, kissing the corner of Dimitri’s mouth, and Dimitri laughs softly as he grinds against his hand.

“But you liked it.”

“I absolutely do.” 

Their lips meet again, and Dedue moves his hands to Dimitri’s waist so they can roll their hips against each other. Both groaning with need, they press together, melting into each other under the hot water. 

It’s admittedly difficult for Dedue to prepare Dimitri, but they manage, one of Dimitri’s legs propped up on the edge of the tub as they lean against the corner of the shower - Dedue carefully opening him up while Dimitri lets Dedue fuck steadily into his palm. 

Both not wanting to fall over and break any part of the tub or tear down the curtain, Dimitri ends up in Dedue’s lap as Dedue leans back against the foot of the tub and the wall. 

Dimitri sinks easily onto Dedue’s cock, and it really shouldn’t be that easy, considering his sheer size, but Dimitri is a determined man. 

The blond shudders and grips Dedue’s shoulders hard enough to bruise as the other man’s cock stretches him in the perfect way that no one else can. Dimitri lowers his head and moans into Dedue’s neck when he’s full to the hilt, and can feel Dedue throbbing inside him.

“Dimitri,” Dedue whispers into his ear, and he feels Dimitri shake in his arms and suck in a gasp. 

“Please,” Dimitri pants, “Dedue…”

Dedue does the same thing he’s always guilty of - he gives Dimitri everything he wants, latching his teeth into his neck and gripping his hips with his giant hands, moving them up and down as he thrust his cock up into his tight, needy hole. 

“Agh! Aah..! Dedue!” Dimitri tosses his head back, letting his wet hair fall over his face and stick to him as his mouth hangs open, and as he bounces on Dedue’s huge cock. He only opens up more of his neck for Dedue to bite, and he can’t hold back a whimper when he feels Dedue’s teeth sinking into his skin just the way he likes. Dimitri claws at Dedue’s shoulders and back when his warm tongue swipes over the love-bite, and his cock keeps plunging so wonderfully deep inside him. 

“P-please,” Dimitri moans, and then clutches Dedue for dear life when he feels his cock start to ram against his prostate. He clings to him tightly, fucking himself against Dedue’s abdomen while Dedue slams his desperate ass. “S-say my name again…!”

Dedue smashes his mouth against Dimitri’s in a hungry, uncoordinated kiss, moaning down his throat as he loses himself in Dimitri. He pulls away and grabs Dimitri’s face, gazing into his hazy eyes and admiring how his pink, flushed, bitten lips hang open as he cries out. 

“You’re so beautiful like this, Dimitri...!”

Dimitri  _ mewls _ . 

“Come for me, Dimitri…!” 

Dimitri  _ howls _ . He grabs onto the sides of the tub for leverage as he slams his ass onto Dedue’s cock, spreading one leg over the edge to give Dedue all the room he needs to fuck him until he screams his very soul out. He spurts all over his own chest while Dedue floods his insides with cum, gripping his quaking thighs and leaving finger-shaped bruises behind. 

Damn, it’s a good thing they’re still in the shower, huh? 

They remain flopped against the sides of the tub for a few minutes before Dimitri recovers enough to crawl over to Dedue. He kisses him on the lips again, smiling blissfully. Dedue returns the smile with equal warmth. They rinse off one final time before shutting off the water and wrapping each other in towels. 

But as they dry each other off, Dedue realizes, as he’s pulling on his pants, that Dimitri’s clothes still need to be dried. 

“Ah,” is all Dimitri says. 

“I’m… sure Claude wouldn’t care if we remained in his room until your laundry is finished,” Dedue mumbles. 

Dimitri smiles. “I should hope not, unless he wants me walking around his party in my towel.”

“... Knowing Claude, he might actually prefer that.”


	11. What, you gonna let me finger you, Butt Boy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edelgard and Byleth watch Bambi 2 together.  
Chapter title inspired by something my friend said and I honestly don't remember the context.

Byleth pulls up to the curb, then squeezes their black Kia Sorento (they have a big car to fit all the students in there!) into the driveway to a modest single-family home. Right next to Jeralt’s truck. They turn to Edelgard in their passenger seat, and they tilt their head toward the house, acknowledging the unlit windows. 

“Hey, my Dad’s not home right now.” 

“Oh, cool,” Edelgard says carefully, smiling at her phone because she’d been mindlessly playing Solitaire so there was an excuse not to have to look at Byleth in the eyes, lest they notice how steaming and gay she is over them. 

Byleth notices how red Edelgard’s face has gotten, and they open their door to climb out of the car. “You should probably drink some water. How much have you had tonight?”

“Not that much,” Edelgard answers truthfully. She tries to let the night air cool her burning face. Curse her weakness for Byleth...

She follows them up to the front door, feeling a silent relief when they actually fish their housekeys out of their jacket pocket and unlock the house. The amount of times they’ve locked themself out in the past is… shameful. And every time, they assure Edelgard they’ll just put their housekeys on the same carabiner as their car keys - And every time, they immediately forget to do it. 

But Edelgard never complained, because it meant Byleth had a reason to spend copious amounts of time at her apartment. 

They sling their jackets off and over the coat hooks in the front hall, and Byleth pours two glasses of water from their Brita pitcher while Edelgard settles down in the living room. She’s sitting on the L-shaped couch when Byleth enters the room (and turns off the main lights), hands her a glass, and then grabs the remote control from the coffee table. Edelgard sips her water and tugs at the fleece blanket hanging over the arch of the sofa. 

“Feel like watching anything?” they ask, clicking through Netflix titles. Edelgard just hums softly, reaching over them to click “play” on “The Good Place” before pulling them back toward her. Byleth chuckles as Edelgard cuddles right up against their back, wrapping her arms snug around their waist and spooning them. 

Byleth settles down with their head against a throw pillow, getting nice and cozy under the blanket with their hands laid gently over Edelgard’s. 

As “The Good Place” drones quietly from the television, Edelgard nuzzles her face gently against the back of Byleth’s head and sighs, stirring up the softer hairs at the base of their neck. When her hot breath ghosts over Byleth’s skin, they shudder, and Edelgard smirks complacently. She’s always been proud of herself for being able to break through Byleth’s stoic exterior. Initially, most students had been pretty weirded out by Byleth, considering they never emoted. Linhardt had started a rumor (half-joking) that they were secretly a cyborg of some kind - a rumor which Caspar, Dimitri, and Annette had begun to believe and had asked Claude to investigate. Claude, being Claude, came to them with fake evidence - bolts and random electronic parts he’d found in a dumpster behind Best Buy and stowed in their desk, a water bottle of theirs he’d stolen and filled with gasoline (and then lit on fire)... claiming to call them but actually calling a fax, spinning a tale about how he’s messing with their programming, and only selling it when Byleth, being Byleth, walks directly into the classroom door without making an attempt to open it. 

He had ‘em going for a solid week. 

But Edelgard had been one of the first to get them to crack a smile, and it had taken her by surprise. She’d been (to her embarrassment) talking to Lysithea about the idea of skipping class one day (since she never, ever missed) and just eating an entire cake by herself. Lysithea hadn’t been able to warn her that Byleth had entered the classroom and looked at them both with an amused smirk. Edelgard’s face had been redder than her favorite tights, but Byleth had simply offered to go to the Cheesecake Factory with the two of them, since they’d had a hankering for cake, too. 

Some time later, Edelgard and Byleth had gone on a few cake dates with just the two of them. 

But enough thinking about cutesy things and the like. Edelgard came from a party. A very horny party. And now she’s on a mission. 

“Hey,” she whispers, moving one of her hands down Byleth’s side and resting it on their hip as they shiver. “Turn around.”

Byleth rolls over to face her, and is met rather quickly with a kiss from Edelgard. They shift again, onto their elbows and knees, hovering over her as they deepen the kiss. They let Edelgard nip at their lip and swipe her tongue demandingly over their teeth, and Byleth lets her in to taste the rest of them. Edelgard fists a hand in their dark hair and pulls, and Byleth shudders as their breath rushes out through their nose and they straddle one of Edelgard’s thighs. They reach over to the coffee table, still kissing Edelgard as they fumble for the remote. While Edelgard busies herself with sucking on Byleth’s neck, they try to navigate the TV menu with horny-blurred vision, finally clicking select on the Disney Plus app for their Roku. 

As Byleth scrolls through some Disney movies and then plays Bambi 2, she pulls away and raises an eyebrow. “Oh… Do you… wanna watch something…?”

“Not really,” Byleth pants. “I’d just… Seen on twitter lately, that people, like… are supposed to have sex to Disney Plus, so I thought that’s what I should put on…” 

That doesn’t make any fucking sense, but Edelgard has always been kind of a morosexual. 

She just slides her hand down Byleth’s stomach and over the growing tent in their pants. “Why don’t you take me upstairs?” she murmurs against their ear, and Byleth swallows heavily and nods. 

Edelgard is solid muscle, but Byleth is pretty strong theirself, so they manage to carry Edelgard up the staircase and into their bedroom. As soon as she’s on the mattress, Edelgard slips her sweater off and tosses it onto the floor, and sits at the edge of the bed as Byleth drops to their knees immediately to help her out of her skirt and tights. They fall to the floor as well, and Byleth shivers with anticipation as Edelgard starts working on the zipper to their pants. Byleth grabs the collar of their button down and tears the shirt open, letting the plastic buttons scatter over the carpet as they toss it carelessly away. Edelgard looks up at them in disbelief, but the pure absurdity arouses her even more because she’s weird like that. 

They’re on each other again, rolling around on Byleth’s bed and making out before Edelgard settles herself on top of Byleth, straddling their hips and pressing herself down onto their clothed arousal. Byleth moans and shudders when they feel her warmth through her panties. 

Edelgard sucks on Byleth’s nipples as she gyrates her hips against them, and she scrapes their skin teasingly with her teeth. Byleth grabs at her thighs, squeezing with shaking hands. 

“E-El…!” they moan, and Edelgard feels herself clench at the sound of it. “I-it’s weird, I-I’ve had the ‘Check Mii Out’ channel music s-stuck in my head all day, but now…!”  
“Goddess, why would you even say that…?” Edelgard moans, horny out of her mind, swirling her tongue around one of Byleth’s hard nipples and tugging it with her teeth. She lifts her hips up to reach her hand behind, sliding it into Byleth’s underwear and running her fingers down their shaft. Byleth’s legs tremble under Edelgard’s, and her heart swells with pride. It’s so nice to see them losing their composure so badly. 

Edelgard swings her leg high to make sure it doesn’t smack Byleth as she flips herself around, her face above Byleth’s crotch while her rear end is head-on with Byleth. She reaches back again, to her own underwear, tugging it down over the curve of her ass and smiling when Byleth gasps at the sight of her pussy, shiny and slick with excitement. She’s puffed up and horny, flushed a sweet pink, and just seeing her makes Byleth’s member ache. 

Just as quickly as Edelgard pulls Byleth’s underwear down to release them, her tongue is running up their length, and then her mouth is coming slowly down it. Byleth’s hips twitch on their own, jerking up into the warm heat as they choke on a gasp. Edelgard hums in satisfaction, and it makes her lips vibrate against Byleth’s sensitive skin and teases them more. 

“Haah..! El…!” Byleth pants, clinging onto Edelgard’s thighs. They slide their already sweating hands up to Edelgard’s ass and spread her cheeks apart, earning themselves a low moan from her. They gaze at her blushing pussy for a few moments longer before they give it a tentative lick, and Edelgard pulls off of their cock to turn and smile. 

“Don’t feel like you need to hold back,” she assures them, “because I won’t.” To emphasize her point, she swipes her fingers over the head of Byleth’s cock, smearing the big bead of precum over her digits and then moving them down to their tight opening. When Byleth shudders, their hole twitches and opens with need and Edelgard dips a finger in to her second knuckle. Byleth’s thighs shake around her head, and Edelgard leans in to bite and suck on their groin as she sinks her digit deeper inside them. 

Byleth pants, eyelids fluttering shut as Edelgard flexes her finger inside their tight heat. They lap gently at Edelgard’s clit as they lift their hands up again, spreading her pink lips apart so their fingertips can prod at her hole in return. Edelgard responds by taking Byleth into her mouth again, and carefully joining her one finger with a second. 

Goddess, it’s a pretty tight, but Byleth can’t help themselves. They grind, needy, against Edelgard. They try to focus on her dripping pussy but their vision only grows hazier with every bob of Edelgard’s head on their cock. Byleth takes in a shaky breath and keeps their hands as steady as they can to keep Edelgard spread apart, and they swirl their tongue around her clit as they gently finger her in return. 

Edelgard, warrior that she is, is unbothered and continues fingerfucking and sucking Byleth off with ease. She grinds her hips steadily, fucking herself on Byleth’s hand while they massage her clit with the flat of their tongue. She moves her toned thighs together, closing them softly around Byleth’s head and pulling them slightly closer as they groan into her pussy and start to suck her off in return. Edelgard, proud of herself, lifts her head from Byleth’s shaft and lets out a sigh as her mouth comes off the head of their cock with a wet pop. She licks her lips, wrapping her hand around the base and stroking as she stirs their opening up, just a touch deeper, with her fingers. 

“Hhnnh..! Mmmn…!” Byleth whimpers, muffled as they suck hungrily on Edelgard’s pussy, and digs their heels into the mattress. Edelgard’s fingertips start brushing against their prostate now, sending hot sparks of pleasure down their spine and up their cock, making it weep with precum and drip over Edelgard’s hand, slicking her palm even more as she pumps them steadily. 

“I love seeing you like this,” Edelgard whispers, brushing her lips against Byleth’s inner thigh as she curls her digits against their sweet spot, making them cry out while their toes curl against the comforter. She leans her head further down and slides her warm tongue over their balls, nipping and tugging gently at the skin to tease them, and smirking when she feels them tighten around her hand. “I love seeing you feel so good.”

Byleth is breathless, eyes rolling back and mouth hanging messily open as they continue to eat Edelgard out. They can’t contain their panting and whining, clawing at Edelgard’s firm ass and moaning against her wet pussy as Edelgard keeps massaging their prostate. Their whole body quakes as warmth pours over them, racing through their veins, straight to their throbbing cock. They arch their back, greedily fucking theirself on Edelard’s fingers, tossing their head and moaning helplessly to the ceiling. 

“Nmnh..! Nnh…” Edelgard bites her lip, pressing her hips flush against Byleth’s chest to rub her clit against their torso as she fingers their hole fast and deep. Seeing Byleth so vulnerable and so open drives her crazy like nothing else can. “Don’t hold back, remember? I’ll make you feel good,” she murmurs, her breath hot and wet against their sweating skin. She kisses a small trail up their bite-marked thigh to the head of their cock, sweeping her tongue over the dripping head as she flicks her wrist and pleasures their prostate fast and hard. 

“El…! El, I…! Agh…! Haah…!” 

And just like that, the entire room turns white, and the heavy heat of orgasm rushes through Byleth’s body so fast it rings in their ears. Byleth’s spine curves off the mattress, pressing their body flush against Edelgard’s. They lose theirself completely, letting out a choked wail as Edelgard milks their prostate. Their cock twitches in her soft hand and spurts onto their toned stomach, and their muscles twitch and spasm, flexing with their orgasm and tightening their hole around Edelgard’s hand. 

Edelgard watches them come apart for her in adoration, running a soothing palm back and forth over their soiled abdomen. She pulls her fingers out gently, leaving their hole twitching and aching with loss. She readjusts her position so she’s slotted between their still-quivering legs, leaning over their flushed, gasping face. 

“Good?” she murmurs, kissing their cheek. 

“S-sorry… E-El…” Byleth breathes, violet eyes still unfocused. “I barely lasted…”

“Oh, that’s fine,” Edelgard whispers, licking around the shell of their ear and making them whine and cling to her. “I’d prefer if you cum as many times as you want…” She tugs on their earlobe with her teeth and she relishes the whimper she elicits from them. “The strap is still in the same place in your closet, right…?”

Byleth’s eyes open wide with full attention, and they nod hastily. 

Edelgard kisses them long and slow, and then pulls away with a grin. “Turn over.”

When Edelgard returns to the bed, double-sided cock fully lubed, harnessed, and vibrating steadily inside her, Byleth has obediently gotten on their hands and knees. 

“Perfect,” Edelgard murmurs, and smacks their ass. Byleth moans into their pillow and hugs it to their chest as Edelgard climbs onto the bed behind them. She spanks them twice more, and then grasps their cheeks roughly and spreads them apart. Byleth whines, and Edelgard licks her lips as she admires the way Byleth’s cum and her own saliva drip down from their used hole, all the way down the tip of their recovering arousal. She dips her thumbs down further, pulling their entrance open just a bit more before pressing the buzzing head of her strap against them. 

Byleth shudders, digging their nails into the feathery cushion. “El….! Fuck…! Please…!”

Edelgard rocks her hips, teasing them further and loving the way their puckered hole opens up so easily for her. The vibrations must be torturous, and Byleth’s thighs are shaking enough to match the pace. “You asked so nicely,” she praises in a sultry whisper, and then contrasts it by plunging her cock all the way inside, running her hands down Byleth’s back and pinning their torso against the mattress as they nearly scream into their pillow. 

“Mmhmm,” Edelgard hums, fucking their ass steadily and grunting as the vibrating cock grinds around inside her pussy with every move. “Tell me how it feels.” She curls herself over their back (as much as she can, since she’s short) and bites down on the back of their neck. 

Byleth _ keens, _ hypnotized by the vibrating cock fucking them into the bed as they drool pitifully onto their pillowcase. Their eyes are completely fogged over with lust, staring blankly at the wood of their headboard as each of Edelgard’s wonderful thrusts turns everything in the room pink. “El…! Fuck…! _ Fuck _!” they cry out louder when Edelgard reaches under them to grope and play with their sensitive nipples again, all while her hips continue slapping against their own and her cock continues stirring up their desperate hole. 

“Come on...” Edelgard rears up and spanks Byleth again, angling her hips so she can ram their prostate again. “Use your words for me.”

“G-good…!” Byleth gasps, eyes wide and mouth hanging open pathetically as moans and dribble out of them and onto the pillow they’re clinging to. “I-it feels…! Aahn! Ah! Good…! El!” They wail as they’re rewarded with getting fucked even harder, nearly choking on their own cries as they fist their hands in their pillowcase and bite it to try and stifle their needy sounds. But Edelgard won’t have it, and she grasps the back of their head and pulls them up by the hair, making their toned back arch sexily, hips and ass raised in an awfully slutty position for Edelgard to wreck. And she does, panting as she chases her climax with quick, feverish thrusts against Byleth’s overstimulated prostate, and she has them melting into a puddle beneath her, their cock weeping piteously onto the comforter as Edelgard milks everything out of them. 

Seeing Byleth fall apart sends Edelgard’s own orgasm pulsing through her veins, and she yells out Byleth’s name, her pussy convulsing around the vibrating toy buried inside the two of them. Her body jolts so hard with orgasm that her knees give out and she sinks back onto her ass, the toy receding fast from Byleth’s hole and leaving them to collapse, limp and used up, onto their bed. Edelgard lets one hand drop to her clit, lazily rubbing herself as she comes down from her orgasmic high. She lets the toy buzz inside her for a little bit longer after her pussy finally stops spasming, and she recovers enough to turn the vibrator off with the tiny remote and remove the harness with the rest of it. 

She crawls over to Byleth, sprawled out and having not moved at all, and flops down beside them.

“Are you alright?” she half-teases, rubbing their sweaty back. 

“Uh-huh…” Byleth groans, hair mussed, face flushed, eyes half-lidded, and looking absolutely, thoroughly FUCKED. 

Just the way Edelgard likes them to look. “Why don’t we shower?”

“Yeah, please…” Byleth grunts with effort as they roll off the bed and onto their shaky legs, Edelgard holding them steady by the arm. “I hate being sticky.”

“I know,” Edelgard replies with a soft smile. “You go sit down in the bathroom while I toss your comforter in the wash.”

And once that’s finished, Edelgard hops into the shower with them and lovingly washes their body off under the warm water. 

**[Real Loving Hubert Hours]**

**The Fighter: @she doesnt have the range, darling @press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) **Their dad wasn’t home.

**The Fighter: **😜

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **EDIE HOLY SHIT!?!?????

** press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **BIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!! 😩😩😩😩

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **everything is coming up milhouse tonite huh

** press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping

**Dimcheesey: **Did something exciting happen?

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **no

**🅱️ilda: **HHHHFFFFJ F

**The Fighter: **No.

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **no

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **no

**The Fighter: **It’s fine guys, I put it in the gc anyhow. 

**The Fighter: **I pegged Byleth again. 🤘

_ \- друг disliked this message _

**The Fighter: **Lurker. 🙄

**Dimcheesey: **El, I know we are adults and that Byleth is our friend, but… Somehow, I want to beat them up. 

_ \- друг liked this message _

**The Fighter: **No one is beating Byleth up. 🙄

**フェリックス: **did all of you just simultaneously remove your filters or

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **never had one baby 🤪🤪🤪

**フェリックス:** dont fuckin call me that

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **ya dont call him tht

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **i call him tht 😤🤘😳

**フェリックス: **you will not

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **ur gnna b mad whn u see ur contact info in my phone lol

**bob ross milo thatch slash fic: **Sylvain, why do you skip so many vowels when you type???

**bob ross milo thatch slash fic: **Like no shade just genuinely curious???

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** its a weird thing tops do. Idgi either ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Starfire⭐🔥: **It is hard to understand what Sylvain types sometimes. 

**🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!: **I think Sylvain should STOP typing ALL times!!

**A Friend And Boy: **Um Am I backreading right or are Sylvain and Felix flirting openly in chat? 

**A Friend And Boy: **Because my goddess FINALLY

**フェリックス: **what the HELL is that supposed to mean

**A Friend And Boy: **Nothing except that you two were insufferable at school, giving googoo eyes at each other across the room and then immediately looking away as soon as one catches you, and always hanging off of each other but never actually holding hands, the friggin works

**フェリックス: **first of all fuck you and second of all i wasnt even flirting

**A Friend And Boy: **Yes you were

**The Fighter: **Yes you were.

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **yes you were

**Dimcheesey: **Yes, you were.

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **yes you were

**A Friend And Boy: **get his ass

**Momcedes❤️: **Everyone… Let’s not bully Felix...

**Dimcheesey:** I adore you, Mercedes, but I must disagree. 

**Dimcheesey: **Bullying Felix is amusing. 

**フェリックス: **you

**フェリックス: **it will happen

**Dimcheesey: **What will happen? Will you hiss at me? Perhaps scratch my arm?

**🅱️ilda: **holy fucking moly is DIMITRI ACTUALLY BULLYING HIM

**🅱️ilda: **is this REAL

**🅱️ilda:** IM

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **😳😳 dimitri… 😳😳😳😳 bully him

**フェリックス: **tomorrow you’re gonna wake up dead

**Dimcheesey: **I am afraid!

**Dimcheesey: **(I’m kidding, I’m being sarcastic.)

**🎵stream box song!!!: **this is a cringefest but its also the best thing dimitri has ever done? So

**might makes brain worms: **YOU GUYS SHOULD FIGHT

**MISTER MEATY: **Bro I’ll Ref Again

**bob ross milo thatch slash fic: **Raph why do you type like that??

**フェリックス: **boar.

**フェリックス: **i will tear you to shreds

**フェリックス: **blond, cheesey shreds

**Dimcheesey: **Sounds delicious!

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: ** If we are currently on the subject of fights and duels, I must remind **@друг** that he must come challenge me face-to-face lest he relinquish his honor and his manhood. 

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **lorenz u are ridiculous🙄🙄🙄

_ \- друг liked this message _

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **Lurk all you like, shadowy heathen! I will have my revenge against you for soiling my darling Ferdie with your wicked influence! 

**Друг: **ok.

**🅱️ilda: **lorenz will u give it up already ferdie likes huberts weird vampire schween

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **HILDA

**🅱️ilda: **they fucked each other

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **HILDA I AM AGHAST

**🅱️ilda: **yeah well u give me a gas so

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **F-ferdinand and hubert had… h-had… se- 🤢🤢 i can’t even say it… se- 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: @Momcedes❤️** I am being targeted now! Kindly tell these gremlins off. 

**Momcedes❤️: **Bullying Lorenz is acceptable. 

_ \- 2 people reacted _😆

**The Fighter: ** Speaking of bullying **@フェリックス **Sorry, if I hadn’t mentioned my adventure tonight, Dimitri probably wouldn’t be riled up enough to tease you. 

**フェリックス: **no its fine, i want to fight him

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **no fightng

**フェリックス: **yes fighting

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **ok

**might makes brain worms: **WHIPPED

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **OK AND

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **wow. Is this chat really just gay people and fights? 

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **i love us 😍

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **its a DAMN good look

**🅱️ilda: **u know what else is a good look

**🅱️ilda:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

_ \- 8 people reacted _😍😮😆

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

**🅱️ilda:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

_ \- 6 people reacted _😍😆

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **WHY ARE THERE TWO OF THESE

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **WHEN DID YOU EVEN

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **H I L D A

**🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!: **Words cannot contain my hate.

**🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!: **Hilda.

**Друг:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

_ \- 8 people reacted _😆

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **AAAAAAA

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **Hubert. Von. Vestra.

**Dimcheesey: **Lorenz is bald???

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **I AM NOT BALD, IT IS A FAKE IMAGE.

**Друг:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

_ \- 7 people reacted _😆

**might makes brain worms: **VRO I FUCKIN LOVE THAT MOVIE

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **YOU ARE HEINOUS.

**Друг:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

_ \- 8 people reacted _😮😆

**☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️: **Send me your location. I wish to throttle you. 

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) :** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**🅱️ilda:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**Друг:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**she doesnt have the range, darling: **that is just straight up a picture of hubert

_ \- друг liked this message _

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**might makes brain worms:** [ ](https://imgbb.com/)

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) :**

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **p sure dimitri wore this exact fit the other day

**The Fighter: **He did. I remember.

**Momcedes❤️: ** Speaking of Dimitri, **@Dadue** can you please come help me get him and Felix? They are in the yard fighting each other.

**A Friend And Boy: **Those mad lads actually fought

**press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): **did i overestimate dimitri’s self control

**might makes brain worms: **BRUH MOMENT

**🅱️ilda: **felix has negative two braincells and dimitri is a braincell vacuum so what did u honestly think would happen clod

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **i wanna argue so bad bc i love felix but ur rite

**The Fighter: **morosexual 🤘

**haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;) : **morosexual 😫😩🤘🙏

**Dadue: **OH.

**Dadue: ** I am coming, **@Momcedes❤️**. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAT GUIDE AGAIN IF NEEDED  
Claude - press X to doubt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
Hilda - 🅱️ilda   
Marianne - mari  
Lysithea - 🚫Claude🚫 Don’t Interact!!!  
Lorenz - ☕️🌹piping hot🌹☕️  
Raphael - MISTER MEATY  
Ignatz - bob ross milo thatch slash fic  
Leonie - Stop naming me DILF Fucker
> 
> Dimitri - Dimcheesey  
Dedue - Dadue  
Felix - フェリックス  
Sylvain - haha no dont dissociate ur so sexy ;)  
Ashe - A Friend And Boy  
Mercedes - Momcedes❤️  
Annette - 🎵stream box song!!!   
Ingrid - Men Don’t Interact
> 
> Edelgard - The Fighter  
Hubert - друг  
Ferdinand - Ferdielicious (Registered Horse🐎 Girl)  
Dorothea - she doesnt have the range, darling  
Caspar - might makes brain worms  
Linhardt - Do Not Disturb🌙  
Petra - Starfire⭐🔥  
Bernadetta - bernieevee ;w;


End file.
